EYE. AM. SANE. Always have been. Love is ∃volv∃ Spw∃ll∃d Backward Manic RESIST Depression RESIST Bipolar RESIST Rx T.Rex RESIST Psychiatric RESIST Survivor - whoa, wait - whaaaat??? 6th extinction level event as 'business' as usual with ecocide looming? isn't that the true definition of insanity? Yes. Yes. Yes. RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST RESIST..! “It is No Measure of Health to Be Well Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
Peace - Nothing Else Makes Sense and Justice - Nothing Else Matters
Dilution is NOT the solution to radioactive pollution: THAT is delusion. NO and NO.KNOW.NO! NUKES PLEASE: Drawing light on the Beauty of Diversity ~ Taking every last and first thing literally figurativelly through the eyes of MzDiagnosed Autism Spectrum erroneously viciously forced by lockdown that 70s style to take the Deadly Rx T-Rex thus given the Manic Depressive Bipolar it's a syndrome folks no joke. Seaing everything personally symbolically synchronicitealeafly...and No More Freaking Frack Freaks!!! ∃volv∃ is Lov∃ Spwelled Backwards
I dreamt we were swimming
on the backs of whales, two baby whales,
and we had kids with us.
The whales backs had ridges down them
to hang on to.
We rode them like horses through the
ocean waters.
ears wake up ringing in a new decade
running away from the throng parade
hearts throb with the sound of the dearth
Peace must become The Goal of All on Earth
peace bears
Rock from my pocket held in my hand
lithotherapy on a lithosphere land
heliobiology mostly predicts our weather
not a suit that reads from their tether
was praying on respectful loving agrarian
but why does the rooster insist
on violence toward the hen
and especially his brothers?
they feel what goes on globally through their feet and feather
it comes through the ground - then I heard a sound...
a shape~shifter of sorts - a Griffin - with not a tooth
but a beak and with a mic, so to it we listened
a purple glint in its eye glistened
She rapped out a tune
thumb flicked me a rune
a stone rune whose symbol was Algiz
hit me on the nose, freaked me out I froze
and then let out a loud sneeze
That Griffin cried out for Peace
on Earth and for happiness among hu-wo-men
she screamed out her passion for harmony
and her miracles became more than a dream
I dreamt Linda was driving us somewhere. She was driving up a huge bridge in the breakdown lane, in reverse, going way too fast. (I have this irrational fear of driving over large bridges, esp. ones that go up and down, my lips and hands get numb, I think my mom and grandmom had that fear too) J was in the passenger seat front, and I was in the back seat and didn't want to but I did cringed and turned my head to look where we were going, and at the top of the hill on this huge bridge, saw an accident where a box truck fell over and off the bridge in the accident lane that we were speeding up on. When we got to the scene Linda stopped and we got out, and I picked up a toddler laying on his back on the highway. He was blond and blue-eyed and I held him, asking him who his father was. He paused for a bit and said 'Shay'. (I thought, that isn't even a name.) We got back into Linda's car and drove the rest of the way down off the bridge. At the bottom of the bridge we turned right off at a restaurant where a security cop was standing in the parking lot, supervising a gathering of some kind. We told him to report the accident and help us get help for the baby child. We stood around, me holding this child, and waited.
Our hens lay colored eggs naturally Easter Egger breed, Americauna laying hens blue, pink, green and olive
expecting life to have meaning
to mean something besides cleaning
or paying bills while they turn the screws
trying to translate some truth from the news
never expected life to be bent
on insanity world government
mind control at its 'best'
tv programming test
meaningless sh*t to throw
into the round file - throne
as nuclear power plant waste piles up
and Fukushima pukes into our ocean
as a youth i expected truth
from elders and those in charge
now as an old lady, see most business just shady insanity prevailing At Large
respect and love and for the planet is all that matters for here and forever
wakey-wakey, what's left for the kids?
all we can say is we try and we did
where joy is an act of rebellion
for too lucky few
peace is more than a song,
the only thing not all wrong
Wow. "What you resist, persists." - Kit Walker I am profoundly moved. Crave this kind of reading. Spiritual brain, truther and scholar, musician and ... astrologer. You have an amazing mind and kind heart, Mr. Walker.
Kit's post deserves to be re-read, and shared, even if one is not into astrology. Next year indeed has this profound astrological, hundreds-years event with Saturn conjunct Pluto becoming exact, or 'culminating'. Yes humanity needs aught 20/20 vision as painful as it is the only way we can begin to get beyond this insanity, this 'toxic overlay.' Nice distinction. Grateful Kit shares with us hope!
Through such a 're-birth' could finally come relinquishment of the hold on us.
Ellis Taylor also writes an excellent blog. He recommended this video, youtuber Osher Astro Finance who shared more on next year's astrology and here are highlights: https://youtu.be/52oVrSDbwlQ
January 13th : Pluto * Saturn 22 ~ Capricorn
March 22nd : Saturn ~ Aquarius
March 29th : Nov 11th : Jupiter * Pluto ~ Capricorn
May 5th : North node ~ Gemini
Dec 17th : Saturn ~ reenter Capricorn
Agreed 20/20 is going to be a pivotal year.
Folks my age get to have a real 'special' second Saturn return this year which (for me) culminates in March, a few months after this Saturn/Pluto conjunction. (? yikes :) Thankfully Saturn will be going into Aquarius soon after. Ah, life in chaos but on the cusp of the age of...Aquarius...
Just before reading Kit's post, found the story of MK Ultra survivor Cisco Wheeler referenced through http://whale.to/b/wheeler.html Yet another example of the wrought unconscionable that people should never have to suffer. In the last decade came to suspect I may be another MK Ultra victim (learning about it was a trigger) but realise now that what I went through was extremely mild compared to that. Thankful for once for my genetics. May they have blessings and relief. My sanity was attacked in the guise of 'help' from a young age by the system that ganged up. But with luck and fortitude, and for the love of my excellent friend J, still alive and kicking. Recluse as always yes, and grateful to still be alive, it's all good.
Reluctant but compelled to add agreement with many that as things are positioned by said evil para$ite$ (powers that be) so precarious at this point, the U.S. and the world is likely to see some drastic and quite possibly ugly changesvery soon. Too many of the unawake and at least mentally unprepared survivors will likely be in absolute panic in the chaos. Will 'zombies' of sorts (obnoxious term) suddenly displaced and roaming the streets desperate thieve the simplest of resources? Hopefully most of us will rise and wise up, look after ourselves and each other how we do after natural disasters.
Good must ultimately come from a societal purge ...
David Mauriello, paleoentologist and Diamond (in the rough) 'BOOM!' 'just a dab will do ya' with Oppenheimer Ranch Project shares his esteemed research with. Smart and funny:
There are these overarching cosmic possibilities in play, such as a pole shift (CIA suppressed) which we are in the beginnings of. Suspicious0bserver youtube channel has some excellent videos on this. (Struggle to wrap my head around his work - mainly just get the gist.) Our sun's cycles has much to do with (any past, and) this imminent pole shift. Here a link on this blog to a video of theirs (scientist Ben Davidson) Another excellent video: COSMIC DISASTER | CIA: Classified https://youtu.be/B_zfMyzXqfI
Magnetic Reversal | Accelerations and Timing, Dec 19, 2019, Suspicious0bservers
There is also in my humble opinion the very real possibility of our binary sun and it's planetary system coming to visit us again through it's thousands-years shared orbit with Earth's sun. (Nibiru, aka Nemesis, Wormwood, Hercolubus) (yet more knowledge suppression) A sillier post on Nibiru on my other blog, https://minimoonbeam.blogspot.com/2019/01/cracked-code.html My online profiles are both Pandora here, and Adaline there, even Vermont somewhere else, and yes that is me commenting at the end of the post. Yeah, it's a bad habit, commenting on my own blogs, and comes from testing websites back in the day. But it's fun. Living reclusive is innate, choice, compulsion, but is not conducive to having lots of viewers, nor do I promote my blogs much, as half the time I get embarrassed of my writing to be frank, it's very Gemini, keyword 'I think'. Stigma? Oh, yeah, and that illness. I understand.
e.g. The Great Year, May 4, 2016, BinaryResearchInst, http://binaryresearchinstitute.com/bri/
PHASE 293 (CAPRICORN 23°): A SOLDIER RECEIVING TWO AWARDS FOR BRAVERY IN COMBAT.
KEYNOTE: The reward offered by society for the fulfillment of individual responsibility.
The fact that “two” awards are emphasized makes us believe that this may refer subtly to the recognition by the community that, whether he succeeded or failed, an individual who discharged his duty nobly under unusual circumstances is entitled to the respect and appreciation of the collectivity he served so well. What is implied here is a constant give-and-take between society and the individual person. Each one should be able to trust the other.
This third symbol of the fifty-ninth five-fold sequence extracts, as it were, a common element from the two preceding scenes. The Keyword here is RECOMPENSE, i.e. a compensation for a well-done performance — a balancing of accounts.
The Sabian Symbols are kind of fun and artwork associated with them can be beautiful, despite how sometimes offensively out-dated they are, the two awards can be seen as symbolic of the two planets, Saturn and Pluto? The number 23 has it's own meanings.
[{(Yet another psychiatric survivor here battling lifelong anxiety and mental health issues sometimes exacerbated with at first not, then knowing and seeking out more on how dire humanity's situation truly is even beyond the mainstream news lies.
Having recently found at least a (surprising) layer of relief from that relentless anxiety, am back to finding gratitude, joy in the simplest of things and feeling less fear of the possible ramifications of a coming collapse of this era of humanity.)}]
May today's Winter Solstice bless us all, and here's cheers wishing huwomanity luck. Thanks again for your inspiring work, Kit Walker. Best of luck to you and yours, and to us all.
Fall in a Frozen Forest Agreed. Pollution is a horrendous crime against all life and our precious environment must be cared for by each and every one of us. Why do too many look away with nothing behind their eyes?? Politics has become a social pollution.
Lately been paying attention to youtuber folks like Ben Davidson of SuspiciousObservers (ignoring his huge ego) and others active in exposing the official corrupt narrative of those *profiting off* of climate change. (while we still can as social media platforms erode the constitution and bill of rights, escalating dystopian censorship) Just when you think you've seen it all, and seen through the corruption there is unfortunately more.
From what I can wrap my head around, there are scientists that do not pander to the mainstream narrative. Their collective research shows that the sun goes through massive cycles that warm and cool the planet, and this is in play with climate change. The powers that be (U.N.) is skewing the scientific evidence numbers in their reports to blame climate change more on our C02 emissions, instead of the truth which is changes in our sun's cycles is largely the cause. Pollution and environmental degradation is deadly, that is what they should be focusing on, but they are blaming the wrong reasons for climate change and in the process implying us as the cause. And. We are actually likely headed toward a grand solar minimum. We are also in the beginning throes of a pole shift. These things happen cyclically, and 12,000 years or so our sun goes nuts on us.
Trying to make sense of it. Or anything else these days. Grateful for, ... life. We are here now for a reason and these are ... amazing ... times.
World Magnetic Model Update 2020.0 - Geomagnetic Excursion Explained
Dec 15, 2019 Magnetic Reversal News
This go-round, or yuga, of humanity/society? - We are infected with para$ite$ that try to keep our minds and lifestyles imprisoned by their money system. Pollution is a separate but connected issue, that they perpetrate and cover up so they can continue to profit, like a societal cancer. Now they blame all of us that the climate is changing! Imagine being a child in this day and age. - When most of us would be happy to have the resources to give up cars and burning oil to heat homes that only lead to poverty, while enriching the few and destroy the environment in the process.
Fukushima case in point. It continues to bleed into the Earth's One Ocean, on a life-killing rampage. Not reported on in the lame-stream media. Politics is mainly theater to distract the masses from the real issues we should be grappling with.
Leadership is mostly into ponerology in their chase of more money and power to acquire even more money. We are screwed if it doesn't stop yesterday. True. Even while they keep putting the boots to us. Turning the screws. Each of us in our own ways can struggle against that tide to be the change we want to see and wake up as much as possible. Easy for me to say, recluse hiding out under a rock in a frozen forest haven.
As I commented to freefall's blog recently, :)
`
:(''
Free, hang in there, ok? This does suck beyond all recognition. I imagine it must be much harder to bear for those who are raising children that they care about. I never had to bear the brainwashing of organized religion, had both parents and they were 'runaways', but I did succumb to the brainwashing of the mental health (evil) industry at too young an age. (got off the pills finally, struggling to stay off, but after 20 years those evil pills have done their damage...) Inspired by Pam Popper, where was this when I needed it?
It's in our DNA to know that life could be so beautiful. This planet, and even in the throws of 3D (brutal) there could be such beauty among humans if only we could shake the fiat money system and steward the planet. We have done so before. This is so painful.
Please remember your soul/spirit is a spark eternal. Wait, I don't want to push anything on you. Just hang in there, ok? Try to find peace and enjoyment as an act of rebellion. Wait, there I go again. :) :)
Suspicious 0bservers
Cover-Up of Catastrophe | Which Is More Important?
Big Daddy PePe Y'all:
"Ok Mr Ben, I believe you..... Now what in the flippin' world do we do ?"
Suspicious0bservers:
"Survive. This battle is 1/3 luck (volcano, land sinks into ocean, etc.), 1/3 preparation with materials and mental readiness, 1/3 paying attention to the signs... that's our job.
...
We all come from survivors. All of us."
It's cosmic. Some call it the Reset, others the Event. Before, now, during and after? occurs our Awakening and Ascension, which of course mean a lot of different things to different folks. Texts, petroglyphs, stone carvings of ancient cultures worldwide hint secretly within their poetic riddles. Just come out and say it already. Cyclical, like a Yuga. Even with a cosmic blast impending, either by our Sun, pole-shift, asteroids or other Nemeses that would frankly wipe out most of us, all the ugliness of a torture infected culture is so unnecessary. Yuk. But life can have so much incredible beauty.
Fukushima anyone? (insert crickets here) is a vicious tip in a sea of icebergs. Our precious coastlines are littered with (the barbaric crime against life here and the Universe that are) nuclear power (plants) among the deadly toxic and plastic trash. Increasing seismic activity, anyone? with their criminal increasing of geoengineering 'super' storms, decreasing Ozone layer, protector of life. All so a very few get sick-rich while the rest of us are slave and victim to their sick-game. Add hello, the tip of the 'Eddy' Grand Solar Minimum. Bye-bye food chain and then follow...us.
Earth changes. This aging grid going Down means then nuke plants melting down all at once within hours. Stupid, stupid nuclear power industry. We could have been left to create a beautiful caring perma-culture planet regardless of any inevitable 'Reset(s)'. Much more than this ecosystem would have had a better chance to survive or start again, to regenerate. Why take the planet's crust down with us, transforming Earth into a Mars? That damned to hell $uicidal parassss$sssitic infection that is 'politics, power and control' feeding off of this sickness. They also destroy themselvesthrough their hideous greed. They have always kept us down, but why destroy (us, and all) this cycle's planetary flora and fauna now, this time, in preparation for a cosmic Event? Has life on Earth and humanity not regenerated time and time again after these eon-long cyclic cosmic Events, or Resets?? I believe so, and that humanity has been around for millions of years longer that we are told, and perhaps we were allowed to exist in relative peace. Life now just doesn't make sense. Here we are now as proof positive Earth has regenerated including the creation of us, this time around...
Does Earth's current path toward destruction have terrible ramifications for not only our solar system, but for galaxies all around us, and yes, for the Universe itself?!
This beautiful spinning green blue top. Why burn life on her alive? Why destroy with chemicals and hatred? Why the divide and conquer? Why the endless escalating war and theft of life and liberty?
Grief-stricken? Yes. Love however is the strongest thing in the universe...and can not be destroyed.
Native Chief Elder, Medicine Man of Honor, Respect, your incarceration is a travesty and Miscarriage of Justice. The Great Spirit IS and will always be a better place because of You, Leonard Peltier. And now going forward is as Always is the time to set you free, because in the last few years, even the FBI admit now they had been wrong in convicting Leonard Peltier then.
~Sacrifice~Robbie Robertson ^Free Leonard Peltier* Story
~Sacrifice~Robbie Robertson 35,378 views 430 5 Share TheCrazyeagle7 Published on Aug 31, 2010 youtube snapshot taken 2/15/2019 https://youtu.be/KtYJBJSp110
August 2020 update. I just learned that Federal prisoners may only receive white letters in white envelopes, and that money orders go to a separate address.
The address is correct in the image below for letters.
The address for money orders is:
https://www.bop.gov/inmates/communications.jsp#money sending money Federal Bureau of Prisons Insert Valid Committed Inmate Name Insert Inmate Eight-Digit Register Number Post Office Box 474701 Des Moines, Iowa 50947-0001
USPS Tracking says this my Open Letter to You Leonard Peltier was in fact received.
The True American Eagle 2019.02.05. Free Leonard Peltier proven by law an innocent falsely accused man, an Elder ChiefWrongly
Incarcerated by the U.S. '"Justice"' System for This Man's LifePlease Free Leonard Peltier it is both always and never too late for the U.S. Government to try to make reparations...whenever and wherever they can...with Leonard's case in the lead of a healing time. It will never be too late. No matter what.
Lakota Voices - Arlette Loud Hawk: Part 1 https://youtu.be/9JjTsfbaCyY
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Lakota Voices - Arlette Loud Hawk: Part 2
2/9/2019 youtube video snapshot https://youtu.be/0peIDN5OFWQ
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I am Ashamed to be American when I think of this Great Man's body,
but not Spirit StillIncarcerated I just don't want to be ashamed of the country that is home
His freedom from him Stolen. Gahd So Wrongfully, Unlawfully this man kept in prison from the beginning of his incarceration too long ago four decades, or more now?...
makes me want to chew on broken glass it's so wrong. ok, you know I don't want any one of the three or four hits per day that are perhaps real human web visits and not web bots,,,to chew on any glass, ok? I am just reacting to this horribly painful situation, symbolic of too many people who are in fact innocent and incarcerated unfairly based on the Crime of RACISM. But Mr. Peltier is special. He has always been a unique Great Warrior, a Great Spiritual Warrior Chief. His medicine was Stolen by a More Corrupt, Ancient even Evil Faction of a system that enslaves All. So his medicine is even stronger despite the terrible wrongful incarceration.
But Leonard Peltier's medicine is transformed by his exemplary life. I say this with unfathomable respect for this Man. He is universally loved deeply. May his spirit continue to soar above where his body is incarcerated Unlawfully. He absolutely MUST and Should be Freed. It would be excellent for the Federal Government that is Incarcerating Him to Grant him what he legally needs to convalesce out of the prison. Please, I beg of them to let this man go freed. The American Federal Goverkment made a Mistake and they CAN Repair IT, please.
Thank you for this for all us folks out there (me included) who must never try to take their own lives even especially by accident.
In my humble opinion and what has been the best bet for me personally, is to not do any Prescription Drugs nor especially no drinking of alcohol AND ESPECIALLY NOT SIMULTANEOUSLY, ok anyone this may apply to? Please. I beg of any of you.
And any feeling that you want to die is like ... IT always passes and you will eventually feel better. Please.
2/4 update
Blogspot now seems to republish posts that I update with the new date of republish. I wish I could just edit without republishing, but here goes. Edit:
This is just my personal survival story. If you are taking drugs and they are helping you do NOT be influenced by my story urging NO MEDICATION, please. Do whatever You have to To Survive, and to Not Get Suicidal, or Suicided, and to Not Succumb to the suicidal thoughts that may try to haunt you.
Remember, please, to actively fight any sadness, anger and depression you may react to, at the bad things that happen to and in this World against us human beings, which seem to be exponentially escalating. It WILL turn around. Please, do what you must to protect yourself from the pain of knowing what this world can be about. Because truthfully, as much evil is out there, there is the other side, which is joy, beauty, nature, human ingenuity, creativity and YOU. Bare knuckle grit teeth the roller coaster rides. Focus on the good to heal your heart and mind from the bad. Fine, be aware, as much as you want, but remember to enjoy every minute of the gift of life that has been given to you, please. I beg you to not be self-destructive.
So here's how I remember that terrible day. It was three months after corrective surgery to a naval hernia. The pain had come on for years but had now escalated impossibly in the last three. The surgery seemed successful. I was and am so grateful. I have been told to not rip at my stitches, to not be macho any more. To take it easy for the rest of my life. That seemed a death sentence to me at that time, but it is in fact NOT. I can focus on the wonder and beauty of my life, which I must create myself. I am eternally grateful for still being alive. I am terribly sorry I tried to take my own life, after being so successful at denying the constant medically induced suicidal ideation I suffered from and stayed in Denial Of, while taking prescription psychotropic pill cocktails to not be so bipolar, so I could work. But really, if I had just had a chance somehow, which I did not if fact have, to be supported by others financially in such a way that I did not have to work, then I would not have had to be on pills for 2 decades. It was me who insisted on trying to be independent, which I was in fact not, I was dependent on my Mom, and on employers so I could try to stay independent. The economy had other ideas for the world. Complicated and embarrassing.
I was in a foul mood, coming home, being selfish and a baby not getting everything I want, my cake and to eat it too kind of thing. I can be a real immature jerk sometimes, which I am trying to grow up out of. Ok. So we get home, put away the supplies and I was real anxious about realizing that I had to get with the program of no social life to speak of. No personal friends. Which, by rights, is partly my fault, because of my bizarre behavior, and Protection issues. Keep Me Away From The Whitecoats. Truth here.
So for a week, I had been taking a little bit of an anti-anxiety drug which the name escapes me now, but it was I think Lorezapam for two weeks at that point. I was taking the lowest doses possible. Meanwhile, I was using a little bit of alcohol, trying to be like my dad, sticking to two tiny glasses of wine at night equaling one glass of wine. Truthfully, I was slowly and kind of secretly falling off that bandwagon.
I hate to admit this, but at that time, the drug alcohol has helped me tremendously, but also as much as it has helped, the way I use it is not good, and it becomes a curse.For me, alcohol is always a slippery slope. So because of the syndrome I have developed over the years of 'bipolar' disorder (to give it ITs label,) and my own addictive personality issues, I must personally abstain from alcohol for the rest of my life at this point forward. I can not consistently drink responsibly proven by my history. It is hard, and not really as time goes on, but I must stay sober from alcohol for life. Quit date 4/1/2018, no fooling.
See, it's true that if you have a drink or two and keep it at that level, it can in fact be used ceremoniously and be healthy for some people. However, I personally do not have the discipline to sustain that.
Ok, so I helped put supplies away and was not hungry to feed myself, just selfish and pissed off, and since I had been taking those pills a little bit to help cope with anxiety for the previous two weeks, while using alcohol at the same time, secretly, I was on the slippery slope of danger. I stole two beers, came into my room, shut the curtain and sucked back the first beer in about two gulps with one tiny little Lorezapam. I was expecting to feel better but in fact did not. The holidays were near and I was also upset thinking about how I screwed up so bad recently and all my life with those I am supposed to care for, not just love, my family, friends, etc. The pill with the first beer I had stolen and snuck in my room did not fix my anxiety. Self-hatred set in. I sucked the other beer down and took another pill. Honestly, the rest of it seems like a bad dream. I lost control. I blacked out awake. My actions were not my own. My old self-destructive childishness took over. I found out when I woke at the hospital, that I had systematically taken every last Prescription drug pill left in my stash.
Thank god, I have no more prescription medication to speak of. What little I have left, my Companion has agreed to hide from me. Thank god for him, oh my god, please.
I used to have an arsenal of prescription drugs to get through work, my dubious history which I did not want to face, etc., but had already photographed and buried the deadly things the Rx T-rex I call the pills, legal as they are, because I could not find a way to dispose of them in the incinerator at the hospital. That is the least toxic way that we knew of at that point to dispose of prescription drugs.
The local Dartmouth Hitchcock Hospitaltold me that they did not do that for the public, apparently, incinerate old prescription medications, because I kept calling them and they kept blowing me off. I had learned that this was the best way to keep discarded prescription pills out of the waste stream. If you flush them, they go directly into the water and contaminate the water table. But burying any pills is just as bad if not worse (see LEED Certification from working at the beloved Hospitals for a Healthy Environment, (H2E), Health Care Without Harm.) But I was so desperate to get rid of them and stop carrying them around year after year. I did not want to give them to the pharmacies because they would just throw them in the trash, which is bad contamination of the eventual soil, which goes directly into the water table. They are buried, gone from me but beared by the soil I buried them in.
Except I still had a stash of prescription pills to try to stay stable and not get psychotic over time if I lost too much sleep (PTSD activation issues, see world environ:mental degredation=corrupt politic$ especially the USA now 2019 with Trump as Madman in process of getting comeuppance), or so I tried to rationalise with myself. Just in case the moods swung again too bad. That rug that keeps getting pulled out every time I try to do anything good with my life. I can Not Burn The proverbial Candle AT Both Ends. And now I can't be matcho any more in the gardens. Gahd.
It is the deadly extremes of mania I especially try to avoid losing my cover. No one notices depression as much, not that that is cool either. The depressions I manage to get through but it is so hard on the people around me. Hence, a life of trying to isolate myself, to protect other people from my own mood swings. Active Irrationalisation? Good term, heard that one in song once I think. ;)
But, so, I had collected a new stash of anti-psychotics, prescribed to me just in case, to prevent psychosis from taking it's grip. I tried to sleep a lot, too. When I worked, I used to take an Abilify anti-psychotic say on a Friday and try to jump start my health horrendously sick from the pill over the weekend and get back to work on a Monday and try to function better without having a manic episode. It would wreck my gut and head, but I'd try to fumble through my work tasks the best I could to recover. So, I still needed and at that point lots of supervision at work through a good manager.
I thought it worked pretty good, but that was because I was also sober from alcohol. I managed to hold down jobs for several years at a time at that point in life.
So I had sucked down the second stolen beer, and kind of blacked out in this awake dream, and took every last pill I could find in my room, which was all of them. Then lied down, still blacked out, and passed out. My caring Companion checked on me, thank gahd, found me unresponsive and dropped everything in the dead of winter, way out here, and hauled my ass to the hospital immediately. I was passed out awake. He saved my life. The hospital then gave him a ration of sh*t blaming, then saved my life from there after a day or so, but I had to get the hell out of there because they kept waking me up with flashlights in my eyes every hour on suicide watch. If I had stayed at the loony bin I would have gone into a full blown manic episode from a deep depression within a week: deadly.
But then I was still alive and had to try to make reparations with my life. My poor beloved Companion, really. He is a Saint to put up with me still now. I am indebted to him spiritually for saving my life from the crash of 2008 which affected me by my job being eliminated by 10/31/2010. After that, I kept losing everything (yet again), making horrendous choices with dwindling resources, etc, not listening to sage advice, to sound financial advice etc. I kept rebelling, being oppositional, childish, and at my ripe age so stupid, and obviously self-destructive.
I did now willingly stop taking medications. My plan when I started taking them was in fact to do it for just a while until I stabilized. That was a myth, however, for me. The pills habit, legal even though it was, perpetuated my inability to heal my own body myself. I wish I had never made any bad choices in life, but I must grow the heck up, I'm an old woman now, it's about time, and try to make the best of life.
Got booted out of healthcare in the Great Depression of 2008, no more deadly Rx T-rex was allowed for me. Mixed blessing. Now, I am grateful except for subsequently systematically losing my independence. It's ok though. I am alive, and happy as I can be. No social life to speak of, and there are reasons for that that I must take responsibility for. So, I must respect that in order to enjoy the life I have left here.
Do not pity. The Pity Committees must be disbanded.
Please no one, please, do not repeat my mistakes. Follow your own heart. Look to strong people that take better care of themselves so they can take better care of each other, see? Be yourself. Listen to uplifting music if you possibly can. Appreciate all your gifts, even if they are currently disguised as not gifts. Every last one of us are important. All people are important, especially people who try to be good to themselves, and each other. If you are alone, there are guardian angels all around you, for each of us.
P.S. This sucks to admit, the shame is still raw. I am so sorry. It's been over three years since that horrible mistake. Every day. I am so thankful that the alcohol += drugs did not win. One step at a time. If I can decide I deserve to survive, anyone can, I dare you to stay alive and at the way least in your soul try to thrive! Joy as rebellion...
In the 90s I was working for a large financial corporation in Boston and had just achieved getting promoted to a position in the intranet department. I wanted to get more skills for that job so I got a $7,250 loan and signed up for a Webmaster certificate at Xintra Technical School in Quincy. There were four modules, or classes in that certificate and I took the Coding class first, then the web design. I really liked our teacher for the web design class. Then there was a rumor that the school was going to close.
A few weeks before the web design class was completed, the school took the money and ran - back to China. Closed the school down. So our web design teacher generously offered us to complete the class at his home office in Dorchester, and provide us with a certificate for his course. I collected everyone's email addresses and got a list going. I got the information for the Massachusetts Department of Education and how to apply for assistance from them with getting our money back.
Well, it was weird, but I believe that out of the 20 or so students in that web design class (that got robbed by Xintra,) I was the only one that applied for assistance with the Dept. of Ed. It took over 5 years, but I did get some of that loan exonerated. They should have comp'd three quarters of the loan, but they only did a half. Thank you Sallie F!@#$%^&*()_reakin' Mae. 52 when those accumulated training/failed degree at U/Mass loans finally got paid off. I'm so sorry for what the kids are going through these days.
hat tip to the Crack! off the end of a Bat Right OUT a Fenway Pahk
♥∞☮NO☮∞♥
DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER "The Coup is Positioning to Embed in Venequela to be able to funnel Russia and China up through to the U.S.A to take over"
♥∞☮NO☮∞♥
TRUMP IS A RUSSIAN OPERATIVE
they do not want to IMPEACH or STOP THE SHUTDOWN because THEY ALL IN
WASHINGTON EAT FROM THE SAME PLATE DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER DO NOT DREAM IT IS OVER
♥∞☮NO☮∞♥
The end of this song devolving into sadness? NO. I disagree within that hat tip tune to the Beloved but Sad song above. Mother Earths NATURE Does Need Us. She LOVE all us. We ARE IN FACT ONE organism made up of each cell, each molecule, each component, Every Last (non evil parasitic [does not kill its host]) Human On Earth
Dig?
♥∞☮NO☮∞♥
each of us are spiritually connected more and more each second like it or not now not up to us Look to the Universe and 'Time' or our concept of...
Goddess of Elegance, wig Out :) https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/but-you-caint-use-my-phone/id1061192979?app=itunes https://twitter.com/fatbellybella ..................... ~ Just Be Welle ~
"We are up against someting that can not be programmed, categorized or easily referenced..."
-Fox Mulder, X-Files
In Sanity True.r(false?).Up.2.U
I choose effusively to believe humaniwomanity can prevail oppositionally to bad control by focusing on humans as one species and our place in a beloved Universe.Hey, it gets me though. U AS WE RESIST
Most Musical Genres thank god for music Shackles Off
protection all around all one and these listed here:
You Must get your dying wish, Ruth!!! All the Love and HEALING Light of the World wishing you Well You Amazing Woman! Get a free booklet of The Constitution http://www.constitutionbooklet.com/ https://www.democracynow.org/2018/12/27/rbg_as_justice_ruth_bader_ginsburg
π , protection light ALLONEUNIVERSE above and below............Hugh + Hue Manatee: Save the Humans by at the very most, WAKING UP
Eradicate the unnecessary Pity Committee, puleeeeeze for goodness' sake. Dedicated to J.R. on the Rock. Stigma: Attitude toward us is so not right on. Just because one has been classified with a mental illness label, has nothing to do with being or not beingderanged, they are not mutually exclusive. Many of those tagged 'mentally ill' are more 'sane' than anything else. Just endochrinologically (e.g. see Quantum Healing, free ad on the 'Ritchie Allen show') something or other'd? {been terrified of 'coming out' - frankly getting blackballed in employahillbility. (they always find out anyway - even on the deadly Tyranny Rx and look out for the Gaslight) Huge back monkey. Booted out of the healthcare system in the most recent corrupt Dubyah flavor Darth Vader economic slide against the people. A first foray into using a BLOB - coming out from underground while staying there...here's a toast to health. May your mind and spirit always access 'freedom'. ∃~Salute'
