Bee Peers

Where am I? Far, far away, floating, a foggy night, wondering what just happened and where things will go next. What was that? The memory thing has always been a real hardship. Memorization is what gets you places in this day. Memori$e and earn. There's a big chunk blown out of my skull. There is a huge deficit - a gap, where a slice has been stolen from cognition. Gets you right where you live. To constantly be compensating, trying to hide that you are in a way mentally retarded. Playing an act. (regardless of how bad the acting can be at times.) In essense, lying. Having to carry around a lie sucks really bad. Not being free to show too much of who you truly are. 'Oh, I'm a bipolar, alright as rainy yessiree Bob.' Yah, like you can ever tell anyone that you're bipolar. Especially at work. If I get the SLIGHTEST hint that I'm getting manic I don't care what happens, I'm taking a few sick days and zoning out on Abilify. Damnit - manic episodes are disruptive to your jobs. You can get blackballed at work. There is still a lot of stigma. What really disturbs me is that kids now are getting diagnosed like crazy, and all kinds of diseases esp. obesity. That this generation it is being said will have a shorter life span than their parent's generation before them for the first time in recorded history. Not that I'm bitter. Seriously, I strive to let go of the anger of having been sick all my life. What else can I do? Anger is like a chronic disease, that you have to try to stay well from. Being in denial isn't ideal, but in a pinch it can keep you from falling out of the tree you are compelled to stay climbed up on. I just can't dwell on the decades that this illness has taken from me. I feel totally blessed, because I see a world that is unique, with my own imaginary friends, and that the earth is so beautiful and there are even sweet real people on the planet. Life just gets better in the gaining of experience. It compensates for the body getting older. I have learned much of creating my own conciousness. I love after work coming home and living alone. It is a peace I have never experienced before. (Not that it doesn't scare me silly sometimes.) Nobody bugging me...I forget the time sometimes, just dilly dallying around getting fun out of the simplest things (hanging out with my cats writing blogs.) I guess they're saying now that the hallucinations are part of what affects the memory of us BP'ers. Bee Peers. Does a bee pee? What peers to bees have? Wasps? 'Bumblebee-Honesty, Pure Thinking, Willingness and Drive' What the h*** am I babbling about? The other night it was windy, and I heard voices again. I hear them, they seem to be outside. Mostly men's voices, I fear it less and less, the older I get I realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. It does startle sometimes still though, esp. initially. I don't remember particularly what they said last night. There are times when I remember clearly what the voices say. I will have to try to blog some of these experiences. I have landed in a foreign land anyway, out in the country in the boon docks now, and many of the sounds are those that I've never heard before. The little owls make such a sweet noise. They don't startle you awake, but they do their hoot in the night. Hootin-'n-hollerin'. There are some large owls (Owl-Clairvoyance, Magic, Astral Projection) that make a he** of a sound. 'wwwwwwwoooooooooaaaaaappppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make you fast get inside. Amazing, nature. The first time the turkey flocks blessed me - I was just floored. I'll never forget seeing the pheasant run past the window (twice), and the deer crossing the common, at work. I looked up animal symbolism for pheasant, and it said 'Pheasant: Symbolizes warning and concealment.' Yikes...I wasn't long for that job...

Today was like being in a paper bag...

Very strange day, hope I didn't seem as really weird to people at work as I felt.

BBB - As much of a Bitch Being Bipolar is...

gnarlesbarkley.com

“Men have called me mad,” wrote the 19th century poet Edgar Allen Poe, “but the question is not yet settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence – whether all that is profound – does not spring from disease of thought, from moods of mind exalted at the expenses of the general intellect.” http://www.patienthealthinternational.com/features/3118.aspx ~ There must be a reason for this albatross... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_believed_to_have_been_affected_by_bipolar_disorder ~ Many people believe that in order to be a truly creative genius one must suffer from some kind of madness. In today's article I'll discuss the connection between bipolar disorder and creativity genius. http://www.creativity-theory-and-tools.com/bipolar-disorder-and-creativity.html ~ ...Variability confers huge advantages: it enriches our cultures immeasurably and is a key factor in the further evolution of human societies. Yet, as an evolutionary imperative, it also exacts a high price. It is often the cause of serious injustice and marginalizes from society those whose conduct or inclinations are judged to be deviant from the norm. Paradoxically, this may benefit art and hence contribute to cultural evolution... http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/293/5527/51 Are Genius and Madness Related? Contemporary Answers to an Ancient Question http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/showArticle.jhtml?articleId=164902206 An Old Idea About Genius Wins New Scientific Support http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F0CEEDB113FF931A25753C1A965958260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all Bipolar & Proud [ENHANCED] http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Proud-Cledus-T-Judd/dp/B0002IQHWK Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament http://www.amazon.com/Touched-Fire-Manic-Depressive-Artistic-Temperament/dp/068483183X ESSAYS ON SCIENCE AND SOCIETY: Artistic Creativity and the Brain http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/293/5527/51 The bipolar artist http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=6739

Salute! to your health

Vincent Van Gogh, Self-portrait, 1889

'Manic depressive' all 45 years, with psychotic symptoms starting at 11 and a diagnosis at 16 with a month of forced hospital. Currently considered 'high functioning' by the docs. Stubbornly hold down work, have stayed out of hospitals since, despite the annual disruptions of depression and mania, and operate 'opposite to emotion' enough (during any psychosis) to seem relatively normal most of the time to the community. We seem to be at an important juncture with bipolar studies that are now coming out. They've just developed a similar test animal model (! manic mice) that has helped them see a circadian rhythm gene link, and they've expanded their diagnostic criteria of BP that makes this disorder much more common (a larger group) than previously. Good potential for our futures managing this disorder. Three interesting articles: Circadian Rhythms May Influence Bipolar By: Psych Central News Editor on Wednesday, Mar, 21, 2007 http://psychcentral.com/news/2007/03/21/circadian-rhythms-may-influence-bipolar/ Medical News Today Bipolar Disorder: Understudied And Much More Common Than Previously Reported Main Category: Bipolar News Article Date: 18 Mar 2007 - 13:00 PDT http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=65380 Screwed up body clock may be the root cause of bipolar disorder Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 (EST) A new study by scientists at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas, US, has found that the bipolar disorder commonly known as manic-depression, may be due to a screwed up body clock. http://news.sawf.org/health/34830.aspx

Child Bipolar Misread Neutral Faces as Hostile

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These articles have been blowing me away. R.E. 'LINKS' in right-hand column.

With now 35 odd years of experience having bipolar, I was 'child onset' and there was no explanation or help for this symptom of what was utter terror of people for me. It was painful to look strangers in the face. I have since overcome a huge part of that reaction, but to this day I still have struggles with putting the act on that people don't freak me out.

I believe that bipolars are actually more evolved humans. If you think about the state of the world over all, is it no wonder that as bipolar kids we sense hostility from 'normal' (socially accepted) people? /with that said, it is often a wrong interpretation to see people's faces as hostile when they do not have that intent/ The sorry state of humanity's stewardship of the earth is hopefully changing for the better and we are evolving as a species, but up to now the human race has been hostile to this planet (and at times each other)!

Isn't it true that depression is a normal reaction to the current state of affairs worldwide? Our brains components are structurally different. Emotion.  The heart.  Magnification of emotion, among other anomalies, might be a trait of advanced evolution?

Scooter Libby you lying sack of s--t

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you and your nasty war mongering cohorts, GUILTY!!!!

The Radio Talks to Me

Yeah, I must admit to this long standing delusion that includes the radio talks to me. Again, the intensity of this and other beliefs waxes and wanes in overlapping cycles.



The synchronicity got frightening at times during the indescretion of youth. Music has a power that can not be denied. It has consumed me, and has been my companion. It has understood me when no others could and helped keep me alive.