Bee Peers

Where am I? Far, far away, floating, a foggy night, wondering what just happened and where things will go next. What was that? The memory thing has always been a real hardship. Memorization is what gets you places in this day. Memori$e and earn. There's a big chunk blown out of my skull. There is a huge deficit - a gap, where a slice has been stolen from cognition. Gets you right where you live. To constantly be compensating, trying to hide that you are in a way mentally retarded. Playing an act. (regardless of how bad the acting can be at times.) In essense, lying. Having to carry around a lie sucks really bad. Not being free to show too much of who you truly are. 'Oh, I'm a bipolar, alright as rainy yessiree Bob.' Yah, like you can ever tell anyone that you're bipolar. Especially at work. If I get the SLIGHTEST hint that I'm getting manic I don't care what happens, I'm taking a few sick days and zoning out on Abilify. Damnit - manic episodes are disruptive to your jobs. You can get blackballed at work. There is still a lot of stigma. What really disturbs me is that kids now are getting diagnosed like crazy, and all kinds of diseases esp. obesity. That this generation it is being said will have a shorter life span than their parent's generation before them for the first time in recorded history. Not that I'm bitter. Seriously, I strive to let go of the anger of having been sick all my life. What else can I do? Anger is like a chronic disease, that you have to try to stay well from. Being in denial isn't ideal, but in a pinch it can keep you from falling out of the tree you are compelled to stay climbed up on. I just can't dwell on the decades that this illness has taken from me. I feel totally blessed, because I see a world that is unique, with my own imaginary friends, and that the earth is so beautiful and there are even sweet real people on the planet. Life just gets better in the gaining of experience. It compensates for the body getting older. I have learned much of creating my own conciousness. I love after work coming home and living alone. It is a peace I have never experienced before. (Not that it doesn't scare me silly sometimes.) Nobody bugging me...I forget the time sometimes, just dilly dallying around getting fun out of the simplest things (hanging out with my cats writing blogs.) I guess they're saying now that the hallucinations are part of what affects the memory of us BP'ers. Bee Peers. Does a bee pee? What peers to bees have? Wasps? 'Bumblebee-Honesty, Pure Thinking, Willingness and Drive' What the h*** am I babbling about? The other night it was windy, and I heard voices again. I hear them, they seem to be outside. Mostly men's voices, I fear it less and less, the older I get I realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. It does startle sometimes still though, esp. initially. I don't remember particularly what they said last night. There are times when I remember clearly what the voices say. I will have to try to blog some of these experiences. I have landed in a foreign land anyway, out in the country in the boon docks now, and many of the sounds are those that I've never heard before. The little owls make such a sweet noise. They don't startle you awake, but they do their hoot in the night. Hootin-'n-hollerin'. There are some large owls (Owl-Clairvoyance, Magic, Astral Projection) that make a he** of a sound. 'wwwwwwwoooooooooaaaaaappppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make you fast get inside. Amazing, nature. The first time the turkey flocks blessed me - I was just floored. I'll never forget seeing the pheasant run past the window (twice), and the deer crossing the common, at work. I looked up animal symbolism for pheasant, and it said 'Pheasant: Symbolizes warning and concealment.' Yikes...I wasn't long for that job...