💔💓
August 10, 2013
Dear August, It's August. This message will self-destruct
until I hear from messenger Hawk. To the tune of Owl
City'of
June', here.
'I disguised myself as a sleeping pill' like the song sings about. I blamed
you, and blamed, and blamed. 'Blymee' (phonetic spelling) is a british
colloquial expression of old, I believe. It was the hospital. My
most deep and aggrieved apologies to you and your family. I only learned
what the hospital did to me (by dreams, intuition, memories of waking up
there coming back) since 50. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I destroyed our
marriage (on
my end)
but
you
know
I
had no
choice,
and 'they'
were there, waiting to rip
us apart.
So, with that said. Here's what I think. The best for us is to keep
us a 'fable'. Those
were wild and wonderful days, full of youth. They 'planted a chip' in my brain
up my
nose, so to creatively speak, X-Files style. That awful first couple of days
at the hospital, while I was UNCONCIOUS.
This was their pretty much standard practice at that time, I believe. You
knew. My memory is now coming back after a few years so far off the deadly
lobotimizer
pills.
I had to run away. I am so sorry, it was unconcionable how I did that, but
I had to be a disgusting person and protect my blood. I also did everything
I could to forget the pain, which just became suppressed and thwarted my
perceptions. There's that blame in it's right place, from my end.
It happens to millions. 'We' were. We can never be, except through good memories.
That's allz I wanna say about you and your blood. The good stuff. Superman
was an
amazing person. He should be honored somehow, it would be a crime not to. I
don't wanna get serious. On purpose I never read his books except for perusing
the two that scared the shit out of me most, stolen and urine. I was the Gemini
in the family, my own, and then yours, back then. I still have that person
inside all these 1,000 personalities. As screwed
up as I was way
before
you took
me
in and
had to increasingly put up
with
my
stupid
'escalating
diseased bullshit', and way after we got ripped apart, as evidenced by how
self-sabatoging I was increasingly getting. Was is
the operative
word. I am gtetting well now.
There is nothing I can do to apologise further. There is no redemption. Thus
the lifelong quest to destroy my own happiness, and tow the line. Didn't work,
though, did it? Still as 'stubborn & stupid' as mum so affectionately called
me all the time, as always. But now, and as always, to SURVIVE the motherfucker
and their DAMAGE to good folks for no fucking reason.
No redemption. The damage I must have
caused after having met the horrible witch
sodom at the hospital
while they left me in broom-clean condition, strapped down under cushy leather
straps and
900 mg. of thorazine for that two-(3?) day stay before the 5 week incarceration. OUCHSubconcious.
Fuck them, mindfuckers. Using brutal warfare
to get you to never come back to the hospital again. By big white-clad ignorant
brutes that may have did my beautiful friend 'Haily' a disservice as well.
Remember
her?
Those
school
photos she gave me of herself? With that curly black hair. (Her mother later
gave me the bum's rush, would not let me
talk with her on the phone. Anyway.)
Way before I met you. I was already so fucked up, multiple
personalities throughout the waning/waxing sunlight through the years.
I just want you to know I am praying for you and your family.
