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August 10, 2013
Dear August, It's August. This message will self-destruct until I hear from messenger Hawk. To the tune of Owl City'of June', here. 'I disguised myself as a sleeping pill' like the song sings about. I blamed you, and blamed, and blamed. 'Blymee' (phonetic spelling) is a british colloquial expression of old, I believe. It was the hospital. My most deep and aggrieved apologies to you and your family. I only learned what the hospital did to me (by dreams, intuition, memories of waking up there coming back) since 50. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I destroyed our marriage (on my end) but you know I had no choice, and 'they' were there, waiting to rip us apart.
So, with that said. Here's what I think. The best for us is to keep us a 'fable'. Those were wild and wonderful days, full of youth. They 'planted a chip' in my brain up my nose, so to creatively speak, X-Files style. That awful first couple of days at the hospital, while I was UNCONCIOUS. This was their pretty much standard practice at that time, I believe. You knew. My memory is now coming back after a few years so far off the deadly lobotimizer pills. I had to run away. I am so sorry, it was unconcionable how I did that, but I had to be a disgusting person and protect my blood. I also did everything I could to forget the pain, which just became suppressed and thwarted my perceptions. There's that blame in it's right place, from my end.
It happens to millions. 'We' were. We can never be, except through good memories. That's allz I wanna say about you and your blood. The good stuff. Superman was an amazing person. He should be honored somehow, it would be a crime not to. I don't wanna get serious. On purpose I never read his books except for perusing the two that scared the shit out of me most, stolen and urine. I was the Gemini in the family, my own, and then yours, back then. I still have that person inside all these 1,000 personalities. As screwed up as I was way before you took me in and had to increasingly put up with my stupid 'escalating diseased bullshit', and way after we got ripped apart, as evidenced by how self-sabatoging I was increasingly getting. Was is the operative word. I am gtetting well now.
There is nothing I can do to apologise further. There is no redemption. Thus the lifelong quest to destroy my own happiness, and tow the line. Didn't work, though, did it? Still as 'stubborn & stupid' as mum so affectionately called me all the time, as always. But now, and as always, to SURVIVE the motherfucker and their DAMAGE to good folks for no fucking reason.
No redemption. The damage I must have caused after having met the horrible witch sodom at the hospital while they left me in broom-clean condition, strapped down under cushy leather straps and 900 mg. of thorazine for that two-(3?) day stay before the 5 week incarceration. OUCHSubconcious. Fuck them, mindfuckers. Using brutal warfare to get you to never come back to the hospital again. By big white-clad ignorant brutes that may have did my beautiful friend 'Haily' a disservice as well. Remember her? Those school photos she gave me of herself? With that curly black hair. (Her mother later gave me the bum's rush, would not let me talk with her on the phone. Anyway.)
Way before I met you. I was already so fucked up, multiple personalities throughout the waning/waxing sunlight through the years. I just want you to know I am praying for you and your family.
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