See what you've done

photo (c) advocacy for animals

Although you're death shook my beliefs to the core. I’m remembering you being only 18 when you got real sick the first time. Wisdom teeth + Honduras? or was it Guatemala?  Oh, and Yugoslavia to boot, all those horrible vaccinations... Who the hell would ever guess.  If there is anything that I could do is try to convey what a lovely person you were.

So anyone who knew you could remember you with pride in their heart.

How I hope we may know more of what a wonderful person you were, and of how it was out of your control that we lost you.

Your birthday is like a thousand deaths. Thanksgiving is like a knife. Now every year your birthday is to come around coinciding with my depression cycles starting every September. (pattern finally recognized=schooltime.)

Back to my scarily narcissistic self-centeredness, I’ve been thinking about coming out (about being forceably given by pills/incarceration then labeled bipolar by psychopaths) at work a lot more in recent years.

Read the blogs in this webring?. …26.4 kbps internet speed kills desire lately to be online at home. Besides being on it all day at work. Being such a city girl it never occurred to me that there could be such a thing as no grid for high-speed of any kind. Not even 56k dial up. The phone is sketchy enough. I may have thought twice about moving here. But it’s so worth it. I have to say been feeling overwhelming relief lately. Enough of the layers have released that I can actually breathe. Never felt this way before.

Age does my head well darn the hormones to wherever they go even with the downs of aging I’ve never felt emotionally better. YIKES> I hope I can live a long enough old-lady-life that I can actually do some good to humanity. I’m still just happy to be alive. And more easily go into denial of what’s happening in parts of the world, to experience true peace through meditation.

So read the blogs in this webring, in search of bps who are out. Mary's suggestion.

To fight depression I’ve been doing 1 to 1 ¼ hour of exercise every work morning. Get up at 4:30, (to wake up the drugged grog-out) do cardio elliptical then yoga. To start in the dark and end with the light having entered is bliss.

I went cross-country skiing up my street Sunday. It was magnificent. 45 minutes first, then a 2 hour trip. Lots of animal feets in the snow, deer, turkey, fox, my skis. It was the first time I’ve x country skied in yes 25 years. I’ve been collecting the gear since I came up North four years ago, getting the final bindings too late last season. We’ve been having so much snow so far this fall. It’s not even winter yet. I hope we have lots of beautiful snow this winter. It’s been way too long since I had that excitement about snow again. I just hope my body hangs in long enough for me to be an active happy old woman. I don’t know how I’d fight the depression short of maybe a parathyroidectomy. Certainly not an ocular lobotomy thanks to the Universe.  Gahd.

I’ve been frustrated not being able to stay clear of the credit card to make ends meet, but x-country skiing is free. Free. So much more of my environment is wild and free now and I revel in absolute gratitude and bliss in the pines and the Green, and White Mountains. I can see Mount Mousilauk views up the road, and travel to the Montpelier area every other weekend to see my musical man (MMM). I’m free. I must say I’m loving living alone, as much of a financial hardship as it is. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it for as long as it lasts. If MMM and I get some digs we’ve decided on separate kitchens(as if we could). We are so different the way we live. He leaves stuff a mess to do music and teach Tae Kwon Do, besides his carpentry. Plus the thousand things he loves to do. I’m more of a one-note samba, liking my sparse lifestyle that keeps me going lately.

I just washed my hair in case the power goes out. Another sleety winter snow storm is happening – over night tonight – tomorrow’s commute is going to probably suck. Haven’t heard rainy type weather in a while. Snow can be so silent. I was wishing we could go into bat-ski mode, skis on the wheels so you can blast around faster, and ski-jump out of spills into gullies. I’ve got my trusty little laptop. That’s starved for high-speed, constantly nagging me to download auto-updates for a thousand things - that the connection can not handle. I gotta get off this lazyass and bring this lappuppy to work one of these days…take it to Panera downtown or the wifi rest stop on the interstate. I just want to get home and be far, far away. I love it so much. I am so, so lucky to be so happy sometimes, and not just that constant nagging anxiety
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