Gives us a bad name

Ok, here's another incident (Virginia Tech) where some deranged lost soul shoots and kills people. It is another tragedy to add to an alarmingly growing number of kids murdering kids. It kills me the suffering these folks are going through.

Then the reporting on the mental health questions, analysis, etc. And my eyes drop to the floor as I perhaps overly-educatedly talk about it with people.

Yes, this guy was mentally ill. He was also, conversely, deranged. These two things are separate. Some people have both problems. Many of us learn to manage our mental illness issues well, and we wouldn't hurt a flea, ourselves, nor anyone or anything. And every time some deranged person who either refuses to get help for him/herself or is being manipulated by the PTB hauls off and pulls some horrible crime against humanity/animals, the rest of us folks that work hard to manage our mental illnesses often get lumped in that hideous group of nut cases that hurt others. The deranged. Not to be confused with the mentally ill. It burns me every time.

There is survivor's guilt

Another nor'easter. It's April 15 already. Just like life. Another storm on it's way, inevitably.

There is survivor's guilt.

I always had the luck of having someone that has taken care of business if I got real sick. Cover the rent and some bills a few times while you get back on your feet again. Year, after year, after year. Not that you get so sick every year. Or that you lose your job either because your are sick or have some other major life stressor happen that triggers an episode of the illness, catch-22. I always crash and burn off the hypo- or full blown mania. Hypo mania was never anything I could ride for long with any lasting success, as some do.

I'd be homeless if I hadn't had people that could help me. Parents, or husbands, or whatever help that might float the boat when I went down. So what makes me so f******g special. I have a home. I have pets. Why do I deserve to have a roof over my head, to eat and be warm head every day. And what for? What did I ever do to help anyone else? Besides my ill-fated attempt at being a stepmother? Why do I deserve to still be surviving and to even have a place, never mind a place at all, to live? I question deserving this privilege. I feel like someone else could have helped the world much more than I have and they should have had this help to keep the homelessness at bay and be kept off the streets. It would have been better for the greater good.

And I'm so stubborn. I'll keep keeping on until the last possible day that I could live. I'll never, ever take my own life, I'll only struggle to live and be as healthy as possible. I confirmed that vow when my late father-in-law died. I'd never do to anyone what suicide does to the people in that person's life. It took years for the conviction to really set in that what killed him likely was not self-imposed suicide.

Just like I vowed never to bear children after I was ms. diagnosed with BP at 17. There were times when I was young that I might have, if I had a husband that worked a job.  Better that I ended up never bringing a child into this world with this gene pool. I wouldn't do that to anyone, much less a child. So I'd adopt, which I sort of did by becoming a step-parent. And so stupid was I when I did that, thinking that I could help a child no matter how messed up they were by their own family / genetic problems. Too bad it took me so long to realize that I was my own problem, and had not overcome.

No redemption here, just the only purpose to survive because I have family and my rare, yet steadfast, friends, and just to fight back against evil. Take Great Aunt 'Althea'.  Roses to her.

Great Aunt Althea

Rose, 'Are you the brown one?...Are you Jewish?'...Great Aunt
had a way of blowing your mind...(1977)
(update) I didn't figure out we were underground jews until 2019.
Yup, that is what happens when Father
let the me figure things out for myself.
Autism Spectrum = Aurtism Spectrum
I also figured this out in 2018.
I know, I know, am eye D.U.M.B. or whah?
not any more

Aunt 'Althea" had been a brilliant mind, medical student, studying to become a doctor in the 50's. She had a manic depressive related breakdown, in her twenties, and her father had her lobotomized. She was institutionalized the rest of her life. Her sister, our 'Bubby, would bring her home to spend the holidays with us.

Althea was tall and had girth to her, with a bobbed hair do, horned rimmed glasses, possessing a mysterious intelligence behind her (?wounded?) views on stuff.  (She really loved my father.)  We'd all kind of try to interact with her quick while being nice to her - then scoot away as she ,,,kind of ... admittedly intimidated a little sometimes.  It became a ...kind of... fun game for us to do the 'try to be nice then scoot, thing.  Would bring the Newsweek magazine a few inches from her face to read, and seemed to read at the speed of light, animatedly moving her face along the pages, scanning at top speed, taking only a few seconds on some pages but seeming to take it all in. She'd ask really weird questions and cared mainly about over eating and drinking. Bubby had to make sure she did the simplest things.  Poor Althea.

Thing is, we all loved her, especially because her sister our Bubby did, who us kids adored of course and looked up to, what kid isn't thrilled to have a grandmother dote on you smiling.  Bubby Florence had a very strong, deep heart.  (We were heartbroken when it was her time to go, and especially for Althea.  She and her sister succumbed relatively soon after one another.)

Althea had a way to come up to you and ask in a very 'ad alta' (top of the) voice, 'oh, are you the brown one?' Or 'the 'blue' one, or whatever the color of your eyes or hair were. This was just another reinforcement of the (internalised) terror of could happen to one if anyone found out you too were manic depressive.  Even if it had happened a few generations before, that sick kinda stuff has been known to be perpetrated by some leftover sickos posing as docs.  All kindsa horror stories about it, yada yada yada but there were real life Nurse Ratchets still hunting the night shifts of hospitals for us kinds of folk even in my day (70s).

Althea had a conventional lobotomy, I think, but her eyes were wall-eyed, like it could have been ocular.  I don't know. There were more terrors lurking out in reality... 'nuff said.  Poor Althea.

We loved you very much even though we were a little intimidated by you, old girl.  Here's a bouquet of roses to your memory, 'Althea' ~ Great Aunt Rose

If anyone finds out

twisted

I've been working since mid-teens, and always had to (try to) keep it secret that I'm bipolar (bp), at that time manic depressive. And at school, which had been impossible at times when I was wigging out to space and back.

Keeping a secret is like poison. Especially for a kid. Makes it hard to look people in the eye, especially as a sensitive child. Not that it's my fault that I'm bipolar, nor that it's such a bad thing necessarily, it's just there's stigma and prejudice, and yes, it can be a pain in the ass to deal with employees, friends, girlfriends, that are bp, etc....

Always terrified of being found out, rejected. Blackballed, made so miserable that you have to go get yourself another job, or whatever. Always putting walls up around you so people can't get in. Where most people work towards building relationships/network, I'm trying to hide and NOT know anyone.

Bee Peers

Where am I? Far, far away, floating, a foggy night, wondering what just happened and where things will go next. What was that? The memory thing has always been a real hardship. Memorization is what gets you places in this day. Memori$e and earn. There's a big chunk blown out of my skull. There is a huge deficit - a gap, where a slice has been stolen from cognition. Gets you right where you live. To constantly be compensating, trying to hide that you are in a way mentally retarded. Playing an act. (regardless of how bad the acting can be at times.) In essense, lying. Having to carry around a lie sucks really bad. Not being free to show too much of who you truly are. 'Oh, I'm a bipolar, alright as rainy yessiree Bob.' Yah, like you can ever tell anyone that you're bipolar. Especially at work. If I get the SLIGHTEST hint that I'm getting manic I don't care what happens, I'm taking a few sick days and zoning out on Abilify. Damnit - manic episodes are disruptive to your jobs. You can get blackballed at work. There is still a lot of stigma. What really disturbs me is that kids now are getting diagnosed like crazy, and all kinds of diseases esp. obesity. That this generation it is being said will have a shorter life span than their parent's generation before them for the first time in recorded history. Not that I'm bitter. Seriously, I strive to let go of the anger of having been sick all my life. What else can I do? Anger is like a chronic disease, that you have to try to stay well from. Being in denial isn't ideal, but in a pinch it can keep you from falling out of the tree you are compelled to stay climbed up on. I just can't dwell on the decades that this illness has taken from me. I feel totally blessed, because I see a world that is unique, with my own imaginary friends, and that the earth is so beautiful and there are even sweet real people on the planet. Life just gets better in the gaining of experience. It compensates for the body getting older. I have learned much of creating my own conciousness. I love after work coming home and living alone. It is a peace I have never experienced before. (Not that it doesn't scare me silly sometimes.) Nobody bugging me...I forget the time sometimes, just dilly dallying around getting fun out of the simplest things (hanging out with my cats writing blogs.) I guess they're saying now that the hallucinations are part of what affects the memory of us BP'ers. Bee Peers. Does a bee pee? What peers to bees have? Wasps? 'Bumblebee-Honesty, Pure Thinking, Willingness and Drive' What the h*** am I babbling about? The other night it was windy, and I heard voices again. I hear them, they seem to be outside. Mostly men's voices, I fear it less and less, the older I get I realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. It does startle sometimes still though, esp. initially. I don't remember particularly what they said last night. There are times when I remember clearly what the voices say. I will have to try to blog some of these experiences. I have landed in a foreign land anyway, out in the country in the boon docks now, and many of the sounds are those that I've never heard before. The little owls make such a sweet noise. They don't startle you awake, but they do their hoot in the night. Hootin-'n-hollerin'. There are some large owls (Owl-Clairvoyance, Magic, Astral Projection) that make a he** of a sound. 'wwwwwwwoooooooooaaaaaappppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make you fast get inside. Amazing, nature. The first time the turkey flocks blessed me - I was just floored. I'll never forget seeing the pheasant run past the window (twice), and the deer crossing the common, at work. I looked up animal symbolism for pheasant, and it said 'Pheasant: Symbolizes warning and concealment.' Yikes...I wasn't long for that job...

Today was like being in a paper bag...

Very strange day, hope I didn't seem as really weird to people at work as I felt.

BBB - As much of a Bitch Being Bipolar is...

gnarlesbarkley.com

“Men have called me mad,” wrote the 19th century poet Edgar Allen Poe, “but the question is not yet settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence – whether all that is profound – does not spring from disease of thought, from moods of mind exalted at the expenses of the general intellect.” http://www.patienthealthinternational.com/features/3118.aspx ~ There must be a reason for this albatross... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_believed_to_have_been_affected_by_bipolar_disorder ~ Many people believe that in order to be a truly creative genius one must suffer from some kind of madness. In today's article I'll discuss the connection between bipolar disorder and creativity genius. http://www.creativity-theory-and-tools.com/bipolar-disorder-and-creativity.html ~ ...Variability confers huge advantages: it enriches our cultures immeasurably and is a key factor in the further evolution of human societies. Yet, as an evolutionary imperative, it also exacts a high price. It is often the cause of serious injustice and marginalizes from society those whose conduct or inclinations are judged to be deviant from the norm. Paradoxically, this may benefit art and hence contribute to cultural evolution... http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/293/5527/51 Are Genius and Madness Related? Contemporary Answers to an Ancient Question http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/showArticle.jhtml?articleId=164902206 An Old Idea About Genius Wins New Scientific Support http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F0CEEDB113FF931A25753C1A965958260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all Bipolar & Proud [ENHANCED] http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Proud-Cledus-T-Judd/dp/B0002IQHWK Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament http://www.amazon.com/Touched-Fire-Manic-Depressive-Artistic-Temperament/dp/068483183X ESSAYS ON SCIENCE AND SOCIETY: Artistic Creativity and the Brain http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/293/5527/51 The bipolar artist http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=6739

Salute! to your health

Vincent Van Gogh, Self-portrait, 1889

'Manic depressive' all 45 years, with psychotic symptoms starting at 11 and a diagnosis at 16 with a month of forced hospital. Currently considered 'high functioning' by the docs. Stubbornly hold down work, have stayed out of hospitals since, despite the annual disruptions of depression and mania, and operate 'opposite to emotion' enough (during any psychosis) to seem relatively normal most of the time to the community. We seem to be at an important juncture with bipolar studies that are now coming out. They've just developed a similar test animal model (! manic mice) that has helped them see a circadian rhythm gene link, and they've expanded their diagnostic criteria of BP that makes this disorder much more common (a larger group) than previously. Good potential for our futures managing this disorder. Three interesting articles: Circadian Rhythms May Influence Bipolar By: Psych Central News Editor on Wednesday, Mar, 21, 2007 http://psychcentral.com/news/2007/03/21/circadian-rhythms-may-influence-bipolar/ Medical News Today Bipolar Disorder: Understudied And Much More Common Than Previously Reported Main Category: Bipolar News Article Date: 18 Mar 2007 - 13:00 PDT http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=65380 Screwed up body clock may be the root cause of bipolar disorder Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 (EST) A new study by scientists at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas, US, has found that the bipolar disorder commonly known as manic-depression, may be due to a screwed up body clock. http://news.sawf.org/health/34830.aspx

Child Bipolar Misread Neutral Faces as Hostile

photo credit

These articles have been blowing me away. R.E. 'LINKS' in right-hand column.

With now 35 odd years of experience having bipolar, I was 'child onset' and there was no explanation or help for this symptom of what was utter terror of people for me. It was painful to look strangers in the face. I have since overcome a huge part of that reaction, but to this day I still have struggles with putting the act on that people don't freak me out.

I believe that bipolars are actually more evolved humans. If you think about the state of the world over all, is it no wonder that as bipolar kids we sense hostility from 'normal' (socially accepted) people? /with that said, it is often a wrong interpretation to see people's faces as hostile when they do not have that intent/ The sorry state of humanity's stewardship of the earth is hopefully changing for the better and we are evolving as a species, but up to now the human race has been hostile to this planet (and at times each other)!

Isn't it true that depression is a normal reaction to the current state of affairs worldwide? Our brains components are structurally different. Emotion.  The heart.  Magnification of emotion, among other anomalies, might be a trait of advanced evolution?

Scooter Libby you lying sack of s--t

photo credit

you and your nasty war mongering cohorts, GUILTY!!!!

The Radio Talks to Me

Yeah, I must admit to this long standing delusion that includes the radio talks to me. Again, the intensity of this and other beliefs waxes and wanes in overlapping cycles.



The synchronicity got frightening at times during the indescretion of youth. Music has a power that can not be denied. It has consumed me, and has been my companion. It has understood me when no others could and helped keep me alive.