And smells good too. A few summer tips & tricks. Besides summer, increased light, DEET can trigger mania (if you spray it on your skin - there is even an example of a case study out there to search the web for: 'manic mania episode DEET'.)
Then, a little olive oil or what have you oil for base (about a teaspoon or so), in a base of water, or rubbing alcohol is good too, or witch hazel even. Gotta shake well often. You can get those little tiny plastic spray bottles in pharmacy type stores or online. There you go. Of course it's not perfect, but it is sooo less toxic than the stuff you buy, and you can spray on skin: I spray in & around my ears (they stay wet with the repellent spray longer) and neck, especially those pesky ferocious black flies. And for the bugs that do get through your protective clothing and spray, after you end their little vampire lives for them, you can spray the mixture on your wounds for some good smelling, non-toxic itch/pain relief. Wipe off any blood, (blackflies) as it attracts their friends.
I HATE Mania!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Summer and winter solstices, I love/dread both well. Maybe the change in light triggers the dreaded biannual insomnia? that is always laying in wait under the surface like a coiled viper, needing another feeding on my life's blood. My brain has always fought me this life. (Karma, you may ask? I'll try like hell NOT to come back next time, I'm done. Don't go down the tunnel!!! Stay with the light!!!.......)
Again, I HATE Mania!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Avoiding it like the potentially deadly plague it is, as always, confine myself, from inside out, in the usual straight-jacket of isolating socially, and leaning toward a squeezed, repressed, depressive metabolism to try to avoid the hideous specter of destruction, mania...NOT recommending social isolation. Just what I held onto. I think I have always had a spectrum of undiagnosed autism that contributed to social anxiety. Besides that mum HATED pregnancy, birthing, nursing, being tied down to a baby...stuck at home, .....etc...............
On Being Dragged by the Horse
Perpetually. Never have a freaking good chance at sustaining anything - education, a career, (back in the days such things were more attainable) a life, and the all-important relationships. Such a destructive disorder. Every time the manic episodes destroy everything again, I eventually get back up on that horse. Always in danger of losing control, crashing. Obsessive anxiety walls developed onto the obsessive anxiety foundation. Manic explosion, then again, devastated, climbing back on the horse, searching somehow to start over, trying to avoid going forward, any perceived pitfalls of whatever path I had taken. Fewer and fewer choices. Bitch of a lifelong 'disorder.
The dreaded Tyrrany Rex. Gobbling up your health, not designed to heal, shredding health, made me dependent. Designed to keep you sick and make you sicker so you can feed the demon more, and more money (big pharma, medical industry) $$$$oooooo corrupt. We could truly help others get well instead, but big industry won't allow that. Their CEOs must now realize that their desire to be filthy rich...is so yesterday.
Since becoming middle-aged, losing everything yet again, getting kicked out of the fabled 'better' healthcare system of old (good because it included access to acupuncture in a health savings account and talk therapy) - lost access to the dreaded Rx medication 'requirement. There were some jobs back then even for people like me.
At 17 (full-blown manic onset) they furthered their work to brainwashed people like me. This was the 70s. I fell for it, believing that I didn't deserve (a life) or to at least function on perhaps the outside peripherals of society, without killing my health with their medication. I am not now the Rx zombie junkie I became, with profound misery from sideffects, memory issues and increasing issues with organs threatening to fail, and other deadly health issues. (I have ALWAYS insisted from the M.H. profession - to avoid their pushing on me the more powerfully addictive meds like narcotics = another looming plague.) Success so far so good. Wasn't just luck. This time it was my buddy Determination. Survival instinct. And the 'Hoffberger family thankfully taught me a lot so long ago, and tried to help me all those years.
On Face the Music
Now wide awake, able to seek knowledge without retching my guts out on what is truly being perpetrated (covert war) with life on this planet, and to us humans. I can face the realities of life lately without totally losing it. Now able to more freely Read and seek truth, as painful as it is, after so long. (Only have the patience to enjoy expressive artistry of free thinkers.) I am not in a work setting that requires me to struggle to 'seem as normal as possible, (failed) forced to live a crushing personal Lie. The anguish of knowing painful truths is better than the suppression of what is really happening, of this destruction of our era, of our very existence. Humanity's well-being is preyed on by a parasitic evil and it is our job to become AWARE, and to continue to struggle to focus POSITIVE. I realize that as hard a life like mine is, in so many ways it is blessed, and truly grateful: I survive.
On Isolation and Stigma
I write compulsively, to try to feel SOME kind of connection to a community of sorts - at least the idea that maybe a soul or two will take the time to read this and get something good out of it. I avoid other humans in person generally as this avoids (99 percent of) people getting to know then rejecting me for strange behaviors, always changing and inconsistent. And yes, I'm terminally weird. HATE risking weirding people out. Try to hold the personality in. Many who I've worked with or around come to suspect that I am 'mentally ill' (especially at numerous jobs struggled to hold down over the years) ++ then these coworkers after recognizing the symptoms I'm struggling to conceal, devolve into their own PTSD on me over their own personal traumatic histories suffering with a parent, friend, spouse, relative, boss...etc. STIGMA. Hateful prejudice. There is at least one, usually, at every job, from the Dawn (pun intended) of my struggle to have a work life in spite of being told at 17 that my life was over. (stupidly I believed them but refused to let on.) And they advised me, pleading for help, despite having some relative strengths, that I should drop out of society and become institutionalized. I have been stubborn, starting by a fuck you to that asshole Dr. Yank's (yup) 'Medical Advice to yet another impressionable young kid++ and seemingly unending through the decades continually eventually failing everything employment and most else I try to do -- getting violently stolen from me.
These days, employment and the economy has yet again come vicious circle -- decent work a luxury commodity only for those few best connected, and brightest. Or for those that can afford transportation to the array of mind-numbing jobs, most of which increasingly keep us in poverty. The corruption is permeated throughout just about everything industry or profit-driven.
Yes, we human can change the world. This struggle continues birthing as we speak. Silly rabbit. We CAN become empowered decent beings, sustaining the planet and it's life. War is NOT the answer, we know it is a psychopathic trap run by some of those evil greedy parasites making all the money off the rest of us. War WILL be replaced with a sustainable/inclusive way of life. Or, this parasite will kill its host, thus itself.
When one loses sleep over time, unwillingly or not, one enters or accesses other dimensions. If one is unknowing and unprepared, or afraid, then that robs them of protection by evil predators (3D or otherwise.) If one develops protection first, preparing to experience other realms, (shamans for example seek out other levels of consciousness) then it can be an incredibly rewarding experience, spiritually. But when one is not prepared/protected, the results of insomnia often become terrifying. How can a kid know or prepare for 'hallucinations'? They can, it is possible I insist. Most people can constructively learn from these experiences, I believe. Personally I couldn't. It messed me all up, I just wanted to be like everyone else at that age. At 11 years of age, psychosis was just terrifying, escalating, and it sucked that little kid I was into it's black hole and destroyed most of her life.
On being OK
If only somehow to help (other) kids with bipolar disorder. (But this is not for actual kids to read.) Even though this disorder hangs over constantly threatening my life, , for example, I continue to struggle to stay well. Damnit, and the evil fuckers haven't killed me yet, and my plan is to outlive their tricks. There are things to learn that can potentially assist people like us develop skills to try to live better. Determination. Luck? Taking care of myself. Keep trying. Ironically, MINDFULNESS. Facing the truth of my own personal demons (they go back in vitro, through infancy). DREAMS & and the reality of goals. Live in the truth with your eyes wide open (not like me, frozen clamped shut like a fossilized oyster all my life until my 50s.) Physical exercise, of any good kind, if it is possible, is a GREAT help. (Not to be a hypocrite, I lost that mojo recently, having no control over my environment since I lost the ability to live in my last home. My man (the demi-god) J loves me. Even though I got PHAT remembering the rape at the hospital at 17. Bastards stole my life, nevermind my stupid f**ked up youth. I love Vermont beer. Like a bubba that shuts up me pie hole.) Thank all the gods and goddesses and Spirit, and le Spiriti of my ancestors and all my other spiritual helpers.