∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃

∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃
Can you see the ouroboros...?

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Dear Abbie,

Here's to you.  You would have been 78 today? 

You were right. You were famous. When I said you weren't that famous, it was just to piss you off. Only said it because you were such an egomaniac. But you were right. When they suicided you, it became evident that everyone knew you. 

Saw it in a vision several years after you died. It was a hand-held device, reminiscent of a radar gun that staties use to speed-trap folks on highways. They knew you were in a down state, a rough patch, that you were weakened. They hired some goon to point it at you while you were sleeping, from the edge of the field outside the renovated turkey coop apartments you rented in New Hope, PA (Solesbury Township. Ironic.) I saw it. They kept doing it until it had microwaved your brain enough to drive you insane. Another revolutionary suicided.

Always wanted to write something in homage to your legacy, a book on bipolar with a chapter on the corrupt Rx industry for you, but it lays fallow (that book) most likely to never be published. You were writing a book on manic depression when they took you, yes? Yes, I'm a wimp. How could I possibly do the right (write) thing? We clashed, being in-laws and all. But you had a profound affect on our lives. And I was then and am proud of you, my former out-law father-in-law.  I'm sorry. I was such a little puissant to you.  (But it was so much fun:)  All these years, you've tried to help from the other side.

"Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire." -Abbie Hoffman
Today, our broken hearts are with Ferguson and America's systemic racism. And mind bogglingly vast numbers of other horrors committed against humanity and the planet. We are still in a downward spiral, 25+ years after you've been gone, worse than ever, on the brink of mass extinction for crap's sake. It's insane, the escalation of the degradation of this planet.  You had it right to focus on saving the environment and no more war. 'Barry Freed' with Save the River, for goodness sake.

Exercising free speech these days is more dangerous than ever. The bastards (corruption) are destroying the constitution.
On a personal note, your death 'Pop, as Andy called you' was the beginning of the end for Andrew and me. I did love him. But he insisted on a downward spiral after we lost you, getting himself under a guise of impunity (others unprotected) into more and more trouble, making me more angry and crazy trying to get a damned college education while working and having breakdowns under the stress. 

Mid-80s, Sloppy Louis in NYC, R-2-L back, sister Phyllis, Abbie, brother Jack,
Aunt Rose, mother Florence (she adored her family), and an unidentified uncle? (far left)
Didn't want to leave, but when he insisted on putting my father at increasing risk (with the 'use of the cottage) had to do something to protect my family, even at my own demise. What choice was there? Probably saved Andrew's butt (and both of our families') by leaving him, and having become a hateful banshee, couldn't stand myself with him. We could never work things out, as much as we tried. It all sucked more than anything. Devastated and in grief for decades at the loss of Sheila and Ilya. Andrew? Anyway.  Blood is thicker...

Next book reads will be oldies. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. The Carlos Castaneda series, not necessarily in order. Have been getting into reading Zen Gardener and other great bloggers. Blog, web-log. These guys kinda remind me a little of you, Abbie. Truth Warrior types. Eye Like Icke.  in5d.com.  Augureye.  You would be so angry about the shit going down on the people these days.  Your kind is missed.

My father Bino has been gone since 93, and I've become estranged with my mother and brother in recent years.  A recurring theme, me losing family.  Got no parents left.  Ok, No, happy now?  So Happy Birthday, Abbie.  Cheers, to you.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Tyranny Rex

Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Loathed school and avoided it at all cost, a venerate (compulsive) loner. At 27, finally saw the value of it in context to getting less mind-numbing (& theoretically more $$) employment, and went to University of Mass. I was too sick (bipolar from early childhood and a toxic upbringing) to follow through - the sleep deprivation with working and going to school I couldn't overcome and dropped out several times before I finally had to let it go. Just paid off all those broken degree school loans, at 53! I also went back to trade school in the 90', 00's, and finally got better employment (web design) but with this damned illness, no degree and serious social issues, fell out of the job market after the big crash '08. Holding down jobs had always been a struggle with the bipolar disorder, getting worse as I got older.

Ironically, losing everything, as agonizing as it was the best thing that happened to me. I was finally able to get off the dreadful Rx meds (had to anyway - lost the med. insurance) that make one so sick. 20 years they did their vile damage. Over the last several years, I got really sick, I mean a mother of a dreaded manic episode. My life flashed before me. My memory came back. Facing and surviving it was extremely painful but exactly what I needed. It had been all subverted to unconsciousness, having started from infancy. Manic episodes are always to be avoided, they always leave you with many train wrecks to recover from. Somehow I survived this latest bad one, damage sustained. Realized how toxic a family I have and protect myself from them now with sad but necessary estrangement.

I am extremely fortunate. J., my companion, has been my protective wing. He is extremely well-read and has genius level memory, mental abilities. (Self-taught, no silver spoon or even a drop of help from his parents.) He is an amazing man. He moved to the wild woods of Vermont, bought 10 rugged acres in the hills with a small ravine, and lived in a Teepee the first year. He's half Native. (Winters here can be deadly.) That he has done all this with no help (14 years) until I got here 4 years ago, with his bare hands is amazing to me. Sometimes we barely have two pennies to clink together, but he paid his mortgage off, and has only taxes and utilities to contend with. So smart to stay away from debt/employment slavery. Life is simpler here (in ways) like tending to firewood is almost a full time job. Not to gloss it over, it can be rough out in the woods. But the joys are immense. Nature. Chickens. And you can be who you really are.

Wish there were something to do to volunteer for the community.  Don't like driving, and don't like leaving home or James. Really wish there were something to do from home. Other than that, focusing on survival, firewood and staying warm is where it's at. 

Bipolar disorder is a devastating disease.  There should be g@* d*&n Rx that worked without devastating destruction of the body...