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| flower of life |
I've always struggled with suicidal thoughts, wishes, desires. Ahh, to just obliterate myself from ever existing, except I always thought it was so wrong to do if it would affect anyone whatsoever. My friend. My kitty cat. My family, even if they do hate me.
The last psychiatric prescriber I had for any length of time (2 or 3 years) would see me about once a month. The list of questions for me each visit was usually the same. How are you from a 1-10 scale? The depression? The mania? Are you still avoiding social interaction? The nausea? The anxiety? (Chest pains, dizziness, a feeling of weight on my chest making it hard to breath, terrors, palpitations, crazy compulsions - usually to run and hide) Any suicidal thoughts?...
I only told them (her) a tiny slice of what I was going through. I didn't want to get forced into hospitalization, or be pressured to take more meds. They made me more suicidal than I already was. Even with all the pills I took either on a regular basis (antidepressant and mood stabiliser) or as needed (PRN) anti anxiety pills, sleeping pills. I tried to avoid taking anything all the time as it made me so sick and dizzy, out-of-it and with no memory. The pills totally obliterated my memory. They also escalated the suicidal 'ideation'. But they made me feel like even though I had to keep all that s*&t secret to myself and not tell anybody, it made me feel like it gave me the right to live around society, even if I was not a part of it.
2020 update: I do NOT advocate taking medications. They are toxic, deadly and dangerous. Do what you have to but make educated decisions about this stuff, it causes permanent damage to the body, and the psyche. They can make suicidal ideation worse. I also believe taking prescription psyche meds can make symptoms worse. The evil ones can also more easily manipulate you when you are on these drugs.
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