∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃

∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃
Can you see the ouroboros...?

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Bipolar attempts at College...

Sure.  Just try to go to college when you have full blown manic depression.  at 27, signed up, got sick (manic), dropped out.  Signed up again, got sick again, dropped out...signed up again, got sick, dropped out.  Couldn't manage the whole working/going to school thing - SUCK at sleep deprivationSallie Mae was up my bloody a$$ till last year, paid those f**kers off at 53.  I should have gone on disability when I was 18.  Maybe I could have finally gotten my degree - believe me - paying off less than half a bachelors w/no degree SUCKS.  Thanks, fu*&ing UMASS/Boston you assh*()z.
All I ever wanted was a degree.  makes me so pissed off

Killing Yourself To Live
Black Sabbath

Well people look and people stare
 Well I don't think that I even care
 You work your life away and what do they give?
 You're only killing yourself to live
 Killing yourself to live

Just take a look around you what do you see
 Pain, suffering and misery
 It's not the way that the world was meant
 It's a pity you don't understand
 Killing yourself to live

I'm telling you
 Believe in me
 Nobody else will tell you
 Open your eyes
 And see the lies, oh yeah

You think I'm crazy and baby
 I know that it's true
 Before that you know it I think
 That you'll go crazy too

I don't know if I'm up or down Whether black is white or blue is brown
 The colors of my life are all different somehow
 Little boy blue's a big girl now

So you think it's me who's strange
 But you've never had to make the change
 Never give your trust away
 You'll end up paying till your dying day

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Reaching out

I've decided to stop isolating online and have joined a chat room for bipolar survivors like me.  I am hopeful that it will be a very positive experience.  I will be decent in the chat room, and mind my manners.  

I've also joined a webring and am looking into others.  I will be visiting other BP websites.  This seems like a very good thing to do.  I may be a hermit, but I can try to reach out online.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Auntie Social

Avoided having my own kids knowing that they would be at risk of having a horrible childhood. Knew it was 'wrong-headed', but everything in life made no sense - everything which made no sense made sense. Perhaps I would not have the fortitude to overcome my own infancy (destruction of self-esteem) - (upbringing) and by loving any potential kids I might have so much, could not let them suffer as I did. I felt deep inside that whatever was done to me to make me feel so much agony had to be stopped genetically, for lack of actual conscious remembering
Early Sensitive Caregiving Has Lasting Influence on Child’s Development:

My first husband wanted kids, but he's way better off without me, especially as a mother.   He wouldn't hold down the old 'day job' anyway and that also turned me off to becoming so dependent.  I have a nephew. He is autistic. We live on opposite coasts.  I don't know him.  But I love him.

Pathological anxiety permeated my life, the idea of carrying a child and the worry of if it was going to be ok or not seemed too much to bear.  It was the 70s/80s, politically, sociologically, environmentally, so many growing reasons to not have kids (population explosion, ongoing degradation of environment.)

Took 50 years, but these 3 or so years into detoxing from (evil Rx) prescription drugs and resulting terrifying manic episode opened my eyes (reliving) my past and regaining memory, even the dreaded high chair. The farther back I went (in memory) the more I realized why I despised myself so much. It stemmed from infancy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Let Girls Build Spaceships, 1970s Lego Note Tells Parents

By Katherine Biek, Evansville Courier & Press | http://www.courierpress.com/newsy/let-girls-build-spaceships-1970s-lego-note-tells-parents | http://i.imgur.com/XmlDUox.jpg

We Guess Public Relations Barbie Can’t Use Email Any Better Than Computer Engineer Barbie
By Mary Beth Quirk, The Consumerist | http://consumerist.com/2014/11/19/we-guess-public-relations-barbie-cant-use-email-any-better-than-computer-engineer-barbie/

Mattel Apologizes, Says Incompetent Engineer Barbie ‘Doesn’t Reflect The Brand’s Vision’
By Laura Northrup, The Consumerist | http://consumerist.com/2014/11/19/mattel-apologizes-says-incompetent-engineer-barbie-doesnt-reflect-the-brands-vision/

Body Image, Eating Disorders & Marketing – Is This the Real Barbie?
By April McCarthy, Prevent Disease, Waking Times |

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Dear Abbie,

Here's to you.  You would have been 78 today? 

You were right. You were famous. When I said you weren't that famous, it was just to piss you off. Only said it because you were such an egomaniac. But you were right. When they suicided you, it became evident that everyone knew you. 

Saw it in a vision several years after you died. It was a hand-held device, reminiscent of a radar gun that staties use to speed-trap folks on highways. They knew you were in a down state, a rough patch, that you were weakened. They hired some goon to point it at you while you were sleeping, from the edge of the field outside the renovated turkey coop apartments you rented in New Hope, PA (Solesbury Township. Ironic.) I saw it. They kept doing it until it had microwaved your brain enough to drive you insane. Another revolutionary suicided.

Always wanted to write something in homage to your legacy, a book on bipolar with a chapter on the corrupt Rx industry for you, but it lays fallow (that book) most likely to never be published. You were writing a book on manic depression when they took you, yes? Yes, I'm a wimp. How could I possibly do the right (write) thing? We clashed, being in-laws and all. But you had a profound affect on our lives. And I was then and am proud of you, my former out-law father-in-law.  I'm sorry. I was such a little puissant to you.  (But it was so much fun:)  All these years, you've tried to help from the other side.

"Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire." -Abbie Hoffman
Today, our broken hearts are with Ferguson and America's systemic racism. And mind bogglingly vast numbers of other horrors committed against humanity and the planet. We are still in a downward spiral, 25+ years after you've been gone, worse than ever, on the brink of mass extinction for crap's sake. It's insane, the escalation of the degradation of this planet.  You had it right to focus on saving the environment and no more war. 'Barry Freed' with Save the River, for goodness sake.

Exercising free speech these days is more dangerous than ever. The bastards (corruption) are destroying the constitution.
On a personal note, your death 'Pop, as Andy called you' was the beginning of the end for Andrew and me. I did love him. But he insisted on a downward spiral after we lost you, getting himself under a guise of impunity (others unprotected) into more and more trouble, making me more angry and crazy trying to get a damned college education while working and having breakdowns under the stress. 

Mid-80s, Sloppy Louis in NYC, R-2-L back, sister Phyllis, Abbie, brother Jack,
Aunt Rose, mother Florence (she adored her family), and an unidentified uncle? (far left)
Didn't want to leave, but when he insisted on putting my father at increasing risk (with the 'use of the cottage) had to do something to protect my family, even at my own demise. What choice was there? Probably saved Andrew's butt (and both of our families') by leaving him, and having become a hateful banshee, couldn't stand myself with him. We could never work things out, as much as we tried. It all sucked more than anything. Devastated and in grief for decades at the loss of Sheila and Ilya. Andrew? Anyway.  Blood is thicker...

Next book reads will be oldies. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. The Carlos Castaneda series, not necessarily in order. Have been getting into reading Zen Gardener and other great bloggers. Blog, web-log. These guys kinda remind me a little of you, Abbie. Truth Warrior types. Eye Like Icke.  in5d.com.  Augureye.  You would be so angry about the shit going down on the people these days.  Your kind is missed.

My father Bino has been gone since 93, and I've become estranged with my mother and brother in recent years.  A recurring theme, me losing family.  Got no parents left.  Ok, No, happy now?  So Happy Birthday, Abbie.  Cheers, to you.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Tyranny Rex

Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Loathed school and avoided it at all cost, a venerate (compulsive) loner. At 27, finally saw the value of it in context to getting less mind-numbing (& theoretically more $$) employment, and went to University of Mass. I was too sick (bipolar from early childhood and a toxic upbringing) to follow through - the sleep deprivation with working and going to school I couldn't overcome and dropped out several times before I finally had to let it go. Just paid off all those broken degree school loans, at 53! I also went back to trade school in the 90', 00's, and finally got better employment (web design) but with this damned illness, no degree and serious social issues, fell out of the job market after the big crash '08. Holding down jobs had always been a struggle with the bipolar disorder, getting worse as I got older.

Ironically, losing everything, as agonizing as it was the best thing that happened to me. I was finally able to get off the dreadful Rx meds (had to anyway - lost the med. insurance) that make one so sick. 20 years they did their vile damage. Over the last several years, I got really sick, I mean a mother of a dreaded manic episode. My life flashed before me. My memory came back. Facing and surviving it was extremely painful but exactly what I needed. It had been all subverted to unconsciousness, having started from infancy. Manic episodes are always to be avoided, they always leave you with many train wrecks to recover from. Somehow I survived this latest bad one, damage sustained. Realized how toxic a family I have and protect myself from them now with sad but necessary estrangement.

I am extremely fortunate. J., my companion, has been my protective wing. He is extremely well-read and has genius level memory, mental abilities. (Self-taught, no silver spoon or even a drop of help from his parents.) He is an amazing man. He moved to the wild woods of Vermont, bought 10 rugged acres in the hills with a small ravine, and lived in a Teepee the first year. He's half Native. (Winters here can be deadly.) That he has done all this with no help (14 years) until I got here 4 years ago, with his bare hands is amazing to me. Sometimes we barely have two pennies to clink together, but he paid his mortgage off, and has only taxes and utilities to contend with. So smart to stay away from debt/employment slavery. Life is simpler here (in ways) like tending to firewood is almost a full time job. Not to gloss it over, it can be rough out in the woods. But the joys are immense. Nature. Chickens. And you can be who you really are.

Wish there were something to do to volunteer for the community.  Don't like driving, and don't like leaving home or James. Really wish there were something to do from home. Other than that, focusing on survival, firewood and staying warm is where it's at. 

Bipolar disorder is a devastating disease.  There should be g@* d*&n Rx that worked without devastating destruction of the body... 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Jack-O'-Lantern Sun

On October 8, 2014 active regions on the sun gave it the appearance of a jack-o'-lantern. This image is a blend of 171 and 193 ångström light as captured by the Solar Dynamics Observatory.
Credit: NASA/GSFC/SDO | http://svs.gsfc.nasa.gov/cgi-bin/details.cgi?aid=11711

Jack-o-lanterns were also a way of protecting your home | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack-o'-lantern

Witchway Happy Halloween | http://www.witchway.net/hallows/lore.html

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Ilya Hoffman
A picture is worth a Thousand Islands
mere words can not describe

Me and Amy, (Ilya) at Lili's on the Cape, Chatham

Save the River sweatshirt

Saturday, April 19, 2014


Like many, (i've hoped for) keep expecting 'some-thing' (one thing---positive transformative evolution) to 'happen' 12/21/12, but most of us do not recognize that huge shifts transpire over time, and are not simply one event, on one date, one time, one aspect. They are (change is) the culmination of many events of a duration. Around this date (e.g. 12/21/12) we have been going through continual huge upheavals in these times. Just like the astrological event we are experiencing now, a Grand Cardinal Cross culmitating 4/23 at 13 (critical) degrees, 5th of 7 Pluto/Uranus squares between 2012 and 2015 -- we may naively expect 'some-thing' to happen on a given date or time, but evolution doesn't work that way. These influences happen over time and manifest subtly and cumulatively in ways we humans don't always expect or instantly recognize while we 'are in it'. It is easier to see things manifest over time in retrospect. In the last several years however, more and more humans are beginning to take their heads out of the sand and realise that we are on the edge of a cliff, the end of humanity as we know it. Either they are being forced through financial crisis or war, or they are evolving through more gentle means. Agenda 21 - we are being slowly yet overtly exterminated so the few can profit. Climate change, geo-engineering & environmental degredation, and GMOs and Rx are the tip of that iceberg. 'The door opens.' This 'event' is not one thing,  a process involving many events, over a chunk of time. in5d news - the entire page at any given date lately is a good example of a snapshot of seemingly many things happening at once, parts of a whole transpiring over time. 'Click', the door handle turns...Yes, won't it be wonderful when we all finally 'get it - collectively' and become united in freedom from parasitic oppression and onward in peaceful stewardship? The long creaaak of the swinging door opening...anticipation of the thump of the door opening at its widest...we find ourselves at a time where Amy Goodman's War & Peace Report on DemocracyNow! is increasingly unfolding more Peace than War...
Comment inspired by A Door Is About To Open, by Gregg Prescott, in5d.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

On Suicide, Oh No, No, No

Just don't do it.  Please. Feelings like that usually pass...they come and they GO. So what if they come back again, they will GO away again.

I've always struggled with suicidal thoughts, wishes, desires.  Ahh, to just obliterate myself from ever existing, except I always thought it was so wrong to do if it would affect anyone whatsoever.  My friend.  My kitty cat.  My family, even if they do hate me.  The last psychiatric prescriber I had for any length of time (2 or 3 years) would see me about once a month. The list of questions for me each visit was usually the same. How are you from a 1-10 scale? The depression? The mania? Are you still avoiding social interaction? The nausea? The anxiety? (Chest pains, dizziness, a feeling of weight on my chest making it hard to breath, terrors, palpitations, crazy compulsions - usually to run and hide) Any suicidal thoughts?...

I only told them (her) a tiny slice of what I was going through. I didn't want to get forced into hospitalization, or be pressured to take more meds.  They made me more suicidal than I already was. Even with all the pills I took either on a regular basis (antidepressant and mood stabiliser) or as needed (PRN) anti anxiety pills, sleeping pills. I tried to avoid taking anything all the time as it made me so sick and dizzy, out-of-it and with no memory. The pills totally obliterated my memory.  They also escalated the suicidal 'ideation'.  But they made me feel like even though I had to keep all that s*&t secret to myself and not tell anybody, it made me feel like it gave me the right to live around society, even if I was not a part of it.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Making a Killing: The Untold Story of Psychotropic Drugging - Full Documentary

Making a Killing: The Untold Story of Psychotropic Drugging - Full Documentary
http://startpage.com | copy/paste, and a fresh search will produce excellent results on this documentary.

From my humble lightly autistic experience, all the drugs available in psychiatry are horrendous.  After 20 years of taking a variety of them, just so I could drag my nauseous hide from job to job, my gut is now a mess.  The side effects made me short and long-term sicker than anything else.  But hey, a few manic episodes were avoided.  There's gotta be better ways.  Oh, yeah, there are.

Tyranny Rex I like to call psychiatric Rx, just for fun.  The permanent damage to my body/mind is no bonus. 

I look pregnant.  That could be partly genetic, partly because I have severely abused alcohol and food at times in my life, and lately good old small-space living has completely taken away my mojo to practice yoga indoors at home.  When out and about, some of the looks I get from people in the summer are really something.  I see what seem like rude eye questions of incredulity or disgust in their faces: Triplets? At her age?  Oh how disgusting?  And me, an advocate for my personal abstention from bringing any further child into my gene pool of hell.  Remedy? I know: don't care what ignorant people think, it's not good for your mental health, I agree.

My gut is a mess.  There are a lot of remedies for that one.  Probiotics.  Regular yoga practice, (oh, I gotta scratch that one.)  Good sleeping habits (gotta scratch that one too.)  Avoid GMO food$ and meat raised in torturou$ condition$, and look for live foods.  Keep trying.  There are a ton of remedies for bad gut out there.  (Like the cessation of the destruction of the environment by psychopathic controllers that continue to slowly destroy humanity, oh, that's true, and all of us alive today get to witness this enforced world wide genocide on us poor stupid humans, and we even get to participate in it every time we get in our vehicles and drive to the store to avoid foods tortured with toxic with pesticides, chemicals and GMOs.  So much fun, and costs more, too.)

My gut is in fact, now such a mess, that my body gets convulsively ill when I try to take the old antipsychotic to stave off impending doom: springtime slide uphill toward the dreaded insomnia driven mania.  Anything but that.  Even self-destructive pills, oh no.  There are countless remedies to ameliorate bipolar disorder.  If you can afford them.
  1. Acupuncture, massage, any energy work you can get your hands on and wrap your spirit around.  I know, these days it's sooooo expensive.  But it helps, big time.
  2. Detoxing Startpage dot com, where are you?  Clean air and water.  There are all kinds of detox remedies out there.  Don't be fooled.  Educate yourself on them.  Think basic.  Think the least amount of processing and chemicals.  Think right down to earth.
  3. Avoid the TV, especially mainstream news, especially in starting your day or while eating.  (I pretty much recommend avoiding mainstream television altogether as it is designed to brainwash humans with dissonance, violence, hypersexuality, anxiety and fear)
  4. Regular sleep habits and a stress-free bedroom sanctuary (a luxury these days for most)
  5. Avoid GMO food$ and meat raised in torturou$ condition$, and look for live foods.  Love and appreciate your food while your at it.
  6. Mindfulness.  Calm your inner critic.  Yep, it's a practice, you can train your own mind.
  7. Wireless poisoning.  Avoid it.
  8. Love.  Everything you can, especially in the face of what we are facing.  Just to raise the vibrations for blessed Earth.
  9. Gratitude.  Endless, countless infinite gratitude.
  10. Geoengineering.  Hey, how did that get into my little list of remedies?  Um, just look up at our beloved skies from time to time.  They have been slowly poisoning us since the 70s, because it's good for T-rex type Big Business (medical, big pharma, petro chemical, etc.).   It's a war on humanity.  Check out http://www.geoengineeringwatch.org/
Let's end on Universal Love.  It's there, just waiting for each and every individual to tap into it.  Every rock on this planet, every beautiful thing of nature, is just waiting for every last human to wake up and appreciate her.

Peace.  ∃ ~ ♬ ♪ ♥ ∞ ☮ ★ ☄ | ☄ ★ ☮ ∞ ♥ ♪ ♬ ~ ∃

Wednesday, February 26, 2014


Despite the relentless destruction of our environment/us ...the planet we love, I walk through this incarnation 'praying,' visualising, for the manifestation of healing of the biosphere/end of parasitic war on life, Earth on a path for healing. It is not my choice to be broken hearted, admittedly. But I live to visualize the release of corruption: true civil(ization), caring inclusion, justice and peace. I struggle to believe that the chaos of our own destruction is at its tipping point, and will finally turn around. That humans are inherently good and that universal love will prevail becoming the cause, ultimately us (cooperating) saving ourselves from repre$$ion/extinction. I hope it is true, this seemingly popular belief of late that (this spring or summer)... the change will be triggered.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Heal the Earth

My Dream:  Heal depression, heal Earth.  In turn, All would be healed. 
What else matters?    ☄ ☮ ★

Ignorance is the True Fearmongering

I believe that we are going to overcome.  We will evolve to a higher being.  Love will be the cornerstone of our existence.


The truth hurts. Ignorance is the true fearmongering. Geoengineering is part of the perpetration of the massive cover-up (attempt) to protect the electro-petro-chemical industries. Business as usual, twisted and steeped in sociopathic greed. Unconscionable damage is being done to Earth/Life by the use of geoengineering (HAARP) -- they bombard us with electro magnetic fields in conjunction with chemtrails (towards the control of weather). It is a player in Corporate/Government War (big profit for the few) - perpetrated on this planet and its biosphere, which is being contaminated and damaged continually - willfully - to death - and with acceleration daily. There is no thought to health or the future in this or any other of the parasitic onslaughts. Obviously our weather is in reaction. Geoengineering is causing rain/snow to contribute to the continual contamination of the soil, food and water.

Add in a few more issues, like fracking, war, pesticides & GMOs, the latest radiation meltdown, electro-petro energy technology - just a few more of the killer culprits. Never mind that all these hideous technologies are parasites, in the guise of employment for some, while enriching so few by killing off the rest of us, slowly but surely. Many continue to fight back - to raise awareness, and the masses are coming to realize at least on some level what is happening: People and our environment are being abused with no regard to consequence, and Life on Earth including humanity is being slowly, blatantly murdered.

In response to:
Chemically Nucleated Snow, What Is It? http://www.riseearth.com/2014/02/chemically-nucleated-snow-what-is-it.html

Monday, January 27, 2014

Writer's Block & 4 Foods that can Fight Depression

in a perfect world...

Depression is the worst.  It's a killer.  I was lost.  Lost job, home, car, health and insurance, what little family, self-respect, independence...I'm So Sorry

Writers' Block: U No, I pulled down those years worth of the psychotic poetry, intending to edit and re-publish.  It was all up there, good, bad, ugly, a manic personal insomniac diary, unedited and disorganized, and thrown into the sky.  Because I grew to feel irresponsible, especially with the older depression/suicide poetry still out there.  (Yes, and psychiatric meds often have increased suicidal thoughts as a side effect.)  And my life had been pretty f**cked up.  Much of the writing was very childlike and naïve, all of it rushed through.  I had to make sure it was respectful.

The Real World?  That writing saved my life.  I O U.

Some of the writing is good, and brought me a quiet secret (and not) joy.  But it originated through being terribly lonely and alone in the 'real world', and surrendering to stay so for the duration.  (Pretty hopeless at making friends, too.)  And so I turned to music, in love with music, through strong creative imagination.  I made (intangible) 'friends.' It saved my life, and was powerfully beautiful.

Now I am totally stuck with a big ugly unpublished web, trying to edit totally disorganized psychotic writing and being embarrassed of a lot of it's parts.  I'm working on it but it has been painfully slow.

I am saved.  I escaped homelessness.  I am still alive.  Grateful 2 B.

But I am lost to write new material.  When I am inspired is mainly during the dreaded insomnia: I now have to be respectful, suffer quietly squelching inspiration to get back to sleep or the cat and 5 dogs wake up the good man who took me under his wing.  I have survived.  I am struggling.

Toxic Load

I believe...Autism is caused by chemical/toxin, radiation, chemtrail, pesticide and electro magnetic poisoning.  Environmental degradation.  Corporate corruption.  'The toxic load.'  Neurological damage.  U.N. Directive Agenda 21.

Looking back on a half-century + of life, I think I developed mild autism.  Living in the Marshall Islands for 2 years in the early 60s must have caused some radiation exposure.  My father's work was toxic: secret military crap.  Even as a 3 year old kid I knew I hated myself but didn't know why.  (So add a psychically/spiritually toxic upbringing, etc.)  We moved around a lot over the world by the time we settled back in the States in the late 60s.

Vaccine Poisoning: When I left marriage 1 in '91 and lost all my belongings, U/Mass (Boston) made me take all my vaccines over again as my records were lost.  I got blasted with so much mercury and other toxins, never mind the diseases associated, was sick for weeks, and the neurological damage can't be calculated. 

The (agonizing) social anxiety has both gotten better in ways (understanding) and worse in others (developmentally).  But being bipolar has always been the focus when I got medical 'help'.  And this 'help' involved becoming more and more toxified with Rx medications.  I didn't know what else to do.  My goal was to get training and a decent job (try/fail/try again/fail/etc...).  Even struggling with the compulsion to protect others from my behavior and anxiety, and myself from further pain.

Humans are social creatures.  The isolation vicious cycle I've lived stuck in is self-imposed, but not voluntary.  Isolation is an extremely painful compulsion, that over time basically becomes its own dis-ease. 

The meds effectively made me forget.  Memory: gone.  It's not like I wasn't told this was the truth about meds back in the 80s by a good therapist.  Rx meds are not the answer. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014