∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃

∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃
Can you see the ouroboros...?

Monday, May 7, 2007

The Art-?-no - accident - of Being a Loner

An 'art' which is not practiced, just natural. I knew something was 'not right' (now defined as simply, "different") in my head, so I learned to keep to myself as much as I could. Not as easy when manic, but first nature otherwise.

It's often seen as being snobbish, but on the contrary it's felt as the overwhelming compulsion to get away. To hide. Predominantly driven by fear. I had panic attacks - my heart raced mad, but they didn't have nomer for it then. It wasn't in the lexicon. That recent bipolar child study, (amazing they have such things now) where the kids 'misinterpret' neutral faces as being hostile. I felt that so extremely as a child, but was quite alone with it back then.

By 7 or 8, it was obvious the earth was being slowly destroyed by man. So no matter how sweet a face was, all us people were a threat. I literally was afraid to be human. To live in abject fear of people, of being a person, of going to school, facing a walk on the street, the simplest of errands...everything was a huge struggle to get through. Agony at the desecration of the earth, never mind deciding what you wanted to be when you grew up. What was the point? If the mushroom cloud blew, it would be gone. It was literally painful to look people in the eye. They had the capability I had - to look one in the eye and see (too) deeply inside them. In a superficial world that didn't fit. Too much information. With this ability I thought everyone else also had, they'd find out i was manic depressive (md) which I had been instructed by what was 'help' back then, had to be kept a secret.

I started to believe I was an alien by ten.

I was diagnosed at 17 in the late seventies and they're still a long way from home now, but they were abysmal then. This was not so long after lobotomies as a standard treatment. Lifelong forced psychiatric (like penal) hospital stays. Institutionalization. Lobotomy by medication. At 17 I was tiny, 90 something lbs. and they rx'd 900 mg. of lithium which immediately made me extremely ill. I only took it in the hospital, along with all the lovely antipsychotics at similarly extreme doses. The month went by gone. I feared hospitals this stubborn one would never be back and it's been over 30 years. None of the doctors could 'help' me. They didn't even treat the depression. Now I hear of a local ivy league ho$pital is a good place if you have to go. My mind is changing about things, softening, and I can look people in the eye once I get to know them.

Nobody knew about childhood mental illnesses back then.

The experience of Memory is largely emotional, which of course changes everything. The very core of your essence is your cognition, your experience of who you are. One thing that puzzles me is how celebrities can be such a thing - one who celebrates oneself. That one would actually like their being was a foreign concept to me - I absolutely hated being myself. Sort of like allergy to yourself. Dealings with people I was obviously 'not right'. All the time, embarrassed. My face flushing, heart racing, always waiting for a time to be alone. Because of the pain. The voices in my head putting me down constantly. It was always there, the ball and chain. When it's around your neck it cuts off the circulation to the brain. I slept for endless years, losing 10 years by 30.

Then tricyclic antidepressants came along. Wow was that a change. I could start to see the sun behind all the black clouds angrily swirling around everywhere, with people just oblivious. It took years to heal. I still live a life imprinted mostly solitary.  But that was temporary.

I hope any other kids diagnosed with bipolar can successfully avoid the struggles kids like me had with drugs and alcohol, with no known therapy or psychiatric drug help that actually helps. They shouldn't have to suffer. Bp can be managed. Sure shit happens and can be out of your hands. Yet symptoms can be ameliorated, creatively. Whatever works for the individual.

For me, yoga and exercise, cats, garden, a powerful will to live, a beautiful area. True peace to be found. The true solitude in the pines I always craved. A long road healing. Gratitude. A growing desire to share knowledge.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


I can go on forever about this. I communicated (in my mind) with a singer and through publishing that first personal website I started in '03. (sorry, dude)  But their (1st) album literally put a spell on me. For over a half year. I fell deeply in love with Chris, I imagined he was right there with me. (Hallucination, what can I say? I could smell him.) It was so intense, it went on for months like a huge tempest of excruciatingly intense emotion. (here's the original) I could sense him as if he were in the room. I love him spritually forever.

This jewel case of theirs up on the shelf faciliatated my finally leaving a terrible marriage. My life is so ruled by peace now compared to that. It was a terrible tornado before. Now it's just a ride on a magic carpet. Unpredictable, but incredibly blessed. Alive. Morillo blasting a multi-dimensional fabrication. I almost died toward the end, one night that ex tried to smother me and the idiocy of his killing his mind with drink finally forced me to get out of there, another increasingly violent alcoholic black-out. I don't drink any more at all, feel so much better, even found another drummer ;) that I fell deeply in love with, this one a person in the real, and Mr. Right. I have so much gratitude for these men of Audioslave. I have been given life, essentially freed from spiritual suicide induced in '89.

After leaving a mushroom burst of psychic desire for the earth to survive and smart ones to figure against global warming and the destruction of earth and her kiddies. It's unfolding before my heart. Behind my eyes, other lives continue to swirl around my head. I'm able to seem somewhat normal and function. Even found a good job. I look to the skeye with hope, gratitude, a full heart and a steel sheild. I love Hugh Manatee again.


under your spell out of hell, from self imposed suicide back to life

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Take your prognosis and

No one can tell you how to think. What they all say is taken with a grain of salt as we are our own last word.

Fatty acid tied to depression and inflammation
Tue Apr 17, 2007

Omega-3 may be good for your mood
Wed Mar 14, 2007

Fish oils, vitamins, herbs helpful for depression

Fri Nov 24, 2006

Prognosis worse with childhood bipolar

(Any more pearls of wistom?
Yeah, well what about the fact that
the mental health field AND especially
he medicine sucked even worse back then,
when today's
adults were kids...)

Prognosis worse with childhood bipolar

Tue May 1, 2007 4:07PM EDT
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - When bipolar disorder arises in childhood, it may take far longer to diagnose and have a worse prognosis, a new study suggests.

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by severe mood swings from depression to mania. In adults, the depression may manifest as persistent sadness, sleep problems or suicidal thoughts, while mania symptoms include unusual energy, euphoria and greatly inflated self-esteem.

These symptoms are often different in children and teenagers, however. When manic, for instance, a child may become overly irritable or destructive, whereas depression episodes often manifest as physical symptoms like stomach problems and headaches. Because of such differences, bipolar disorder is considered tougher to diagnose in children. It may in some cases be mislabeled as simple depression or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), for instance.

In the new study, researchers found that adults whose first bipolar symptoms arose in childhood typically waited years for a diagnosis -- and far longer than those whose symptoms began in late adolescence or early adulthood. What's more, they tended to be in poorer mental health as adults, according to the researchers, led by Gabriele S. Leverich of U.S. National Institute of Mental Health.

Writing in the Journal of Pediatrics, they urge doctors to be "particularly alert" to the possibility of bipolar disorder in children who have signs of conditions like depression and ADHD
The findings are based on a one-year follow-up of 480 U.S. and European adults being treated for bipolar disorder. At the start of the study, the patients were interviewed about the history of their illness, including the age at which they first had symptoms. They were then followed for one year to chart the current severity of their illness.

Overall, Leverich's team found, half of the patients said their symptoms first arose in childhood or adolescence. These patients tended to have a far longer delay until they started treatment.
Those whose symptoms arose before age 12 waited an average of 17 years before starting therapy; those who developed symptoms as teenagers waited nearly 12 years for treatment.
In contrast, men and women who developed bipolar symptoms after the age of 18 typically waited 2 to 4 years before receiving treatment.

Moreover, the delay in diagnosis seemed to affect the study participants' long-term prognosis. Men and women who developed bipolar signs before the age of 18 often suffered more severe symptoms of both depression and mania, and reported fewer symptom-free days. The results highlight the importance of recognizing bipolar symptoms in children, rather than quickly attributing their problems to disorders like depression and ADHD, according to Leverich and her colleagues. "Such vigilance may begin to shorten what were the extraordinary long delays
to first treatment some 20 years ago," the researchers write.

SOURCE: Journal of Pediatrics, May 2007.

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