Bipolar attempts at College...

1984?

Sure.  Just try to go to college when you have full blown manic depression.  at 27, signed up, got sick (manic), dropped out.  Signed up again, got sick again, dropped out...signed up again, got sick, dropped out.  Couldn't manage the whole working/going to school thing - SUCK at sleep deprivation.  Sallie Mae was up my bloody a$$ till last year, paid those f**kers off at 53.  I should have gone on disability when I was 18.  Maybe I could have finally gotten my degree - believe me - paying off less than half a bachelors w/no degree SUCKS.  Thanks, fu*&ing UMASS/Boston you assh*()z.

They also made me take ALL the bloody hell vaccines over again because my ex husband had stolen all my records (All My Belongings) and I had nothing to prove I was already vaccinated.  I got Soooooooooo sick.
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
All I ever wanted was a degree.  makes me so pissed off

Killing Yourself To Live
Black Sabbath

Well people look and people stare
 Well I don't think that I even care
 You work your life away and what do they give?
 You're only killing yourself to live
 Killing yourself to live

Just take a look around you what do you see
 Pain, suffering and misery
 It's not the way that the world was meant
 It's a pity you don't understand
 Killing yourself to live

I'm telling you
 Believe in me
 Nobody else will tell you
 Open your eyes
 And see the lies, oh yeah

You think I'm crazy and baby
 I know that it's true
 Before that you know it I think
 That you'll go crazy too

I don't know if I'm up or down Whether black is white or blue is brown
 The colors of my life are all different somehow
 Little boy blue's a big girl now

So you think it's me who's strange
 But you've never had to make the change
 Never give your trust away
 You'll end up paying till your dying day

Reaching out

photo credit

I've decided to stop isolating online and have joined a chat room for bipolar survivors like me.  I am hopeful that it will be a very positive experience.  I will be decent in the chat room, and mind my manners.  

I've also joined a webring and am looking into others.  I will be visiting other BP websites.  This seems like a very good thing to do.  I may be a hermit, but I can try to reach out online.

Auntie Social

Avoided having my own kids knowing that they would be at risk of having a horrible childhood. Knew it was 'wrong-headed', but everything in life made no sense - everything which made no sense made sense. Perhaps I would not have the fortitude to overcome my own infancy (destruction of self-esteem) - (upbringing) and by loving any potential kids I might have so much, could not let them suffer as I did. I felt deep inside that whatever was done to me to make me feel so much agony had to be stopped genetically, for lack of actual conscious remembering. 
Early Sensitive Caregiving Has Lasting Influence on Child’s Development:
http://psychcentral.com/news/2014/12/19/early-sensitive-caregiving-has-lasting-influence-on-childs-development/78842.html

My first husband wanted kids, but he's way better off without me, especially as a mother.   He wouldn't hold down the old 'day job' anyway and that also turned me off to becoming so dependent.  I have a nephew. He is autistic. We live on opposite coasts.  I don't know him.  But I love him.

Pathological anxiety permeated my life, the idea of carrying a child and the worry of if it was going to be ok or not seemed too much to bear.  It was the 70s/80s, politically, sociologically, environmentally, so many growing reasons to not have kids (population explosion, ongoing degradation of environment.)

Took 50 years, but these 3 or so years into detoxing from (evil Rx) prescription drugs and resulting terrifying manic episode opened my eyes (reliving) my past and regaining memory, even the dreaded high chair. The farther back I went (in memory) the more I realized why I despised myself so much. It stemmed from infancy.

photo credit

Let Girls Build Spaceships, 1970s Lego Note Tells Parents

By Katherine Biek, Evansville Courier & Press | http://www.courierpress.com/newsy/let-girls-build-spaceships-1970s-lego-note-tells-parents | http://i.imgur.com/XmlDUox.jpg

We Guess Public Relations Barbie Can’t Use Email Any Better Than Computer Engineer Barbie
By Mary Beth Quirk, The Consumerist | http://consumerist.com/2014/11/19/we-guess-public-relations-barbie-cant-use-email-any-better-than-computer-engineer-barbie/

Mattel Apologizes, Says Incompetent Engineer Barbie ‘Doesn’t Reflect The Brand’s Vision’
By Laura Northrup, The Consumerist | http://consumerist.com/2014/11/19/mattel-apologizes-says-incompetent-engineer-barbie-doesnt-reflect-the-brands-vision/

Body Image, Eating Disorders & Marketing – Is This the Real Barbie?
By April McCarthy, Prevent Disease, Waking Times |
http://www.wakingtimes.com/2014/12/02/body-image-eating-disorders-marketing-real-barbie/