Bipolar Medication Deadly Maze

Tyrannosaurus Rex Dinosaur skeleton.
Symbolic of why I call Rx Trex,
because of the
pharmaceutical industry's Tyranny on true health.
image attribution: ScottRobertAnselmo
[CC BY-SA 3.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)],
from Wikimedia Commons

latest update, 'Don't Let a Thief in Your Mouth to Steal Your Brain'

Love Lewis Black sometimes and HE KNOWZ IT!!!!!  I promise to you all through that latest skit of his on Trevor Noah that I hereby have given up on alcohol for the duration, despite the aches and pains that are coming on with age 57.  Next year?  58.  WoW.  The deadly T Rex is in cahoots with Satans minions.  Believe you me.  Most know.  More will.

I took damned it to hell Lorezapam, and you know why.  It was the anxiety took a hold of me yet again.  Sleep issues with the new life for the duration anxieties.  I was lying to my health professionals at that point by drinking as damned much as I damned to hell pleased behind their backs.  Never Again.  No more psychia-trix to choke on and no more Alcohol, as it is the slippery Nemesis that always ends up drinking me.  It's a put-0n.

OMG.  Gulp.  Guzzled the Lorezapam pill down with beer that I always end up guzzling and I actually lost the voracious appetite that comes with my numbing Alcohol abuse at that moment.  Love that shit too much sea.  Trying to not spill all the beanpot here.  But it's necessary.  It numbs ancestral pain.  I had started taking the Deadly T Rex again, just then, for about a week.  I was self-indulgingly in a foul mood getting home that night, and popped a Lorezapam, very low dose.  NOT SAFE!!!  Warning Will Robinson!!!  With sucking down a beer!!!  Deadly Terrorism that is legal.  Rx.  I don't even remember being possessed to take all the pills I could find in what remained of my collection.  Thank gahd it's all gone now and I have relinquished any remnants to DudeZ0.  He is very extremely disapproving of my taking them because he knows when Rx gets its hooks into me I'm at risk of suiciding myself.  I dig.  Parasitic Greed is Big Pharma.  Bluefangs.

Now both of our constitional rights were unlawfully by Universal Law and for DudeZ0 the Absolute Just and Truth through thier own damned laws.  Christ!!!!!!!  May the ACLU chapter help us cause we need it!  But only if we help ourselves by asking.  Lewis helps me out here.  ;)  Love all goode.  So does the dang TV now that I think of it just not the back end bamboozling, despite the tone and of arguing it all Politically and adeptly may I add?  His second family.

'Lost control of a killer' the Alchohol and Legal Drugs are My Nemesis Truthfully.  Even a jellyfish will tell you that, Machine Gun, Jimi H.  ...and as the beloved group Prof Professes hilariously and hooked me in to thier hilarity.  Love all of those kids.  They are my new adopted community of kids long distance for the duration.  Protection love and light all around the Label.  And all goode people for that Auntie Matter.

Hurricane anyone those few years ago nearly swiping Fla hurricane Michael...what???!!!  I heard she was hiding out underground with Gah and I was moved through fear to call her and it had been 4 years...?  I was never agining again...  A year later we are trying to be more of a good family.  I have to live in truth and have a mouth to match especially with them.  I have put my foot down with the two that are my family and we only communicate now in writing.  I refuse to fly for the duration.  It's all good, through toughlove.  I have to stick to this or my unpretentiousness messes them all up.  I have to live in as much of the truth as I huwomanly can to survive.  Surf vive.  :)  This is it and I get that and try to be Just grateful.

Two girls.  Wisdom Teeth.  The demonic destruction by Darth Vader and the Stoopid Elf and co for the insurance Twin Towers.  Gahd.  Trump Card Check Mate.  Jezuz Davinci.  Is that code??  Ferguson.  OMG.  Coolness!  Scary and cool at the same time.  With all the joy.  Eyes open.  Sheilds Up.  As much as possible going forward.  

'The Professor they used to call DudeZ0 in his home town of NH, Manchestah's first son, birth records sealed that year in by the church and especially doctor who maimed the child drunkenly that New Year's Eve night before he was first born by the young mother...  Poor kid they've been gangstalking him from before birth as well just like me.  I hate to admit we are not all that alone that way and THAT MUST END so be it so it is.  Anywho.  I was in that room that used to be occupied occasionally by the former woman Terrora of the Death Club.  Probably not a good idea but there is no choice. 

I am eternally grateful to him, believe me, despite our issues we are struggling to live with.  This is a huge sacrifice for this Amazing self made man who any who care should all owe a debt of gratitude for my life saved from the 31 Sunday debaucle.  His exes including the late (Terrora was the lying suicidal lifestyle=alcoholism and drugs transfering her father's abuse onto him, poor guy, just like the Wall family did to me.)  Sorry that is the truth of the past.  DudeZ0 and eye are in fact Twin Flames.  We must stay together at all times.  It is true.  It is part of the pact of  survival for the duration.  Despite both of our former demons that we grapple with.  We love each other very deeply despite them.  'These woods will grow to disarm us, -'kin.  I pray for us to learn to get along better living here in this land boat circa 1962. Co dependent.  Anyway.  Here comes the snow dump.

'Don't Let a Thief in Your Mouth to Steal Your Brain'

I will try hard now to join the crowd and recede among it.  Eye realises that the big picture is not about me at all, again I am but a pawn, serve or suffer with Neptune so prominent.  Yikes, and Hickory Dickory Dockery, Fe`!

Bee welle all one goode peoples!


Sept. 23 2015 Note: This was written a long time ago, got booted out of the health care system Halloween 2010.  I have become so sick from the medications to date that I can't get back on them - I have tried...If there were only some sincerely good research on meds/treatments that are not too prohibitively expensive for the average person...but sadly, and it's truly a CRIME:  Big Business, Big Pharma.


Early January 2019 update: The more years I achieve sobriety from those horrible drugs the more I get memory and some health back.  They caused me permanent damage.  More and more I realise how deadly those drugs are. I recently took some anti-anxiety medications and ended up hospitalized, not funny, no joke, and Never Again.  Personally, detoxing off them is a big part of survival. The medications are at the foundation of what causes (I conclude that it is a) syndrome that is labeled Bipolar Disorder.  There are many pretty good critical resources to explore if curious about what is a 'psychiatric survivor'.  There are many of us out there.
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This is the original post.  I forgot to mention that how sick one gets on those meds, for me it destroyed my gut, memory and caused permanent developmental disablement.  Not that I needed any more of that on my plate.

February 2007
I froze starting this post as I just had to change doctors and I haven't been documenting it clearly. I'll actually have to try to remember, oh no, not the 'r' word...

Lithium 900 mg = totally depressed, sick, went off immediately and have stayed off medication from 1978 to 1992. I had to start taking meds because I was struggling trying to go back to college, (getting sick and failing,) and had just become a shotgun stepmother to two profoundly behaviorally challenged kids in 1992. Have been hooked on them ever since. They actually helped me to learn how to begin alleviating much of the anxiety over the decades, with a lot of work. And getting blasted out of a bad marriage. - The second time it was a cd that blasted me out of hell, but that is another story.

Bipolar Medication History

I think they have me categorized as the non-specific bipolar. Or whatever it is.

In 1978 they put me on 900 mg lithium. I was so sick and so depressed that as soon as I got out of that first and only hospitalization (forced a month imprisonment) for that first acute psychotic manic episode. It was quite traumatic. I suppose I should describe how they use to treat us. I have no idea what they do now. They started with luring me to the hospital without telling me I'd be incarcerated fro a month. When I kept raving and wouldn't sleep they strapped me to a gurney and shooting my butt with 900 mg Thorazine - a lovely traumatic experience that helped keep me stubbornly out of looney bins ever since. I don't recall resisting the thorazine in the first place the bastards.

1978
Lithium = 900 mg for a 90 lb. 17 year old kid you've got to be kidding me - immediately upon release of hospitalization went off all meds.
Thorazine = you've got to be kidding me while in the hospital...
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1992 -
Stellazine for antipsychotic = knocked out for days. Did calm the psychotic symptoms but make me catatonic.
Zoloft = side effects didn't like it.
Wellbutrin - seems to be keeping me from slashing my wrists - it's a joke, ok? - have been on it from 1992 to date.
In attempting to avoid lithium, as it causes thyroid disorders, weight gain and most importantly for me, depression, I tried many of the anti-epileptic meds.
Tegretol = as soon as started taking it, rash all over body (no anaphylactic shock), emergency room.
Neurontin = after 9 months developed systemic reaction, which they thought was carpal tunnel. Had to wear wrist braces, numbness and pain from neck to hands, hands falling asleep, making it hard to rest, general feeling terrible. Took another 9 months to feel 'normal' again.
Depakote = was fine, except after several years developed huge extremely painful sores in mouth that were large and lasted a month. As soon as they would go away, more would show up. Turned out a dental hygenist (thank god) looked up Depakote and Wellbutrin and they both can cause these miserable mouth sores. Went back on lithium.
2006
Lamictal = tried it but made me very dizzy and nauseous daily even after a few months. Went back on lithium.
Was given Respideral but never tried it.
Abilify = have tried it before and didn't have reaction so will take that as needed for psychotic symptoms. For when I start feeling 'good'. Too happy, too productive, too much writing, too little sleep etc. It's great starting to get manic, it sucks when it goes too far.

Covert Hallucinating

Techniques on the practice of integrating hallucinations without freaking other people out, are helpful. The bp may benefit from teaching himself how to do 'opposite to emotion'. Tricky part is releasing fear. Once you are having visions/hearing/feeling things you may have little control over it, so take it's hand. Instead of trying to stay in Control, try working with it. Having understanding and acceptance of hallucinating phenomena can be at times a gift. Hallucinations serve a purpose. If they become terrifying it's problemmatic but it may be ameliorated and even conquered. One can get so used to them as to not often appear obviously mentally 'ill' to others. This is key to releasing fear, as when some others who have no experience see one acting mentally 'ill' (reacting overtly to hallucinations) the tendency is that they become afraid of or annoyed with that mentally 'ill' person. And of course fear begets fear. We all have a responsibility to be sensitive to the affect our behavior has on others, and with psychotic folks it's just a little more challenging. I have utmost respect for folks schizophrenic as they have hallucinations much more strongly, and more like all the time. I also have the utmost respect for drug resistant bps or anyone else who experience hallucinations on a more involuntary basis. I imagine it's true for most that if we are able, we avoid having psychotic symptoms in the first place. It's like the dreams of being sucked into the ocean always had recurring daily for many childhood years. After a while, you succumb to the terror and learn to breathe underwater. Then it starts getting interesting, walking around on the bottom of the ocean. Hallucinations are a curse, and your private gift. If you can weave the experience into some kind of art, it helps dramatically. I personally believe that at times I'm intuitive (clarvoyant) in addition and so some of what I experience is also natural phenomena. This can cause intense confusion at times, especially when I was young, unguided and inexperienced. Sensing energy fields, spirits, other planetary beings, communing with the universe itself, the earth and nature, human beings as a collective. For me Hallucinating doesn't happen consistently, as neither does sensing any of this stuff. It seems to be involved in overlapping cycles personally, and is of course influenced by the environment. Learning to recognize these and other bp symptoms, by recording them and trying to find a pattern (over years) (organization more of a challenge when manic.) If you like to write, date everything. Thank the advent of computers for this reason, but they are not mandatory. Emotion is a power unsurpassed. Most animals experience their own. Bp amplifies emotion. How about these ideas? Practice imagining to ride it like a wave, learn to surf it. When you are alone or with those that it does not distress, let it all hang out, talk to whatever you see and hear. Stay centered, try to not allow yourself to become afraid, and destructive behavior is to be avoided in every way. You are loved, by god, or the gods or whatever you choose to believe or not in. We share this planet, the stewardship of the earth, and we are all responsible to one another on the higher levels of sprituality. Of course we are all individuals, part of a larger organism. Acceptance is the infancy of loving. So you're a little unique maybe. Isn't everyone in some way? I had pain in my heart for too many of my years. Healing was a long, mostly solitary road. Isolating can be a natural 'coping' mechanism, but too much of it can become not good for sick puppies. I've just now discovered bp blogs and I feel wonderful about it. It's like you're a little note floating around the air and suddenly you're in a sweet orchestra, and you can hang. Reading these fascinating diaries are slowly blowing me away. I feel like I'm finally with my own.

Year 11 'Child Onset Bipolar' Labeled

No.  Just turned eleven when the hallucinations began. The first day of sixth grade, in stupidville snot town, assatwoshetts...cringing, (despised school) sitting like a brick in homeroom and a huge sound/visual burns a path down from the back of my head to the bottom of my vision. I was already completely terrified, hated being forced back to the States, totally unaware of what the hell was happening, and this just escalated. Talk about blowing your mind.

That study that just came out about kids interpreting neutral facial expressions as hostility and reacting with fear through some deformed part of the brain. I totally relate to that. I was like that since a tiny child - painfully shy. It was painful to look strangers in the eyes till about 27.

It's been 34 hellish roller coast years since that day in sixth grade, but still kicking, having learned so much. I accept the hallucinations now, even embrace them. See 'Covert Hallucinating' post next. At first it was bewildering - in a constant state of terror. Panic attacks, racing heart, blushing. ptsd?

Now, can actually either hold on for dear life, or enjoy them. There is this hallway room in this old ivy school that has wooden walls and in the last century it was a dining or ball room. When I walk through there get the strangest feeling, like there are people from the olden days all over the place in bustles and victorian outfits, smoking cigarettes. Now, it's totally strange and I feel so self conscious walking through there - can see them, it's such a head trip, it's comical. I love the diversity of the students there, it's been such a long time that I've taken that breath of relief. There are some real putzes that go to that school as well. Hated school. Try, get sick, lose the year and start over, and over and over, with nothing but the debt and trying to forget bad memories embarrassed as hell of my own behavior.

It's been a long crazy road.

I digress...have come quite a ways and want to give some pointers to bipolar child onset kids. A little experience with bipolar goes a longer way. Always had this dream to help kids - but alltheseyears afraid of coming out and blackballing myself from getting work, getting ostracized, etc. And also the awesome responsibility of trying to teach precious kids, when I was and am still a mess for so many decades. What a kick in the butt. Carrying around secrets hurts your heart*Chest pains. Bipolar child onset can be heartbreaking if you don't have good help, and a little luck. It takes a special education, which these kids can sometimes be gifted in ways that can be utilised to compensate. And these kids can at times develop or have other complications as well. Could some suffering be ameliorated, please?

Want to somehow help kids. How about by helping their care givers? My mind reaches out to the universe, for the greater good, so be it, and so it is.

1st Post - Cheers!

photo (c) collective evolution

2018 Update:  I do not advocate taking medications.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pandora 'blessed' with bipolar child onset, here's to hope for staying well. This post is a first ever for this sick puppy. The intention behind this blog is to offer any type of 'hope' for anyone struggling with bipolar, in any way possible. Just a few surfs in this webring was all it took for me - blew my mind and made me feel like I could join the human race in some way, at last. I will proceed with respect for the possiblility that someone may read this. I do not intend...to offend.

future post wish list:

@an item called 'Medications' where I will list and edit all the medications I've tried and how they effected. Medications work differently for everyone but maybe similarities can be drawn.
@an ongoing list of for managing symptoms.
@another ongoing post: chronological onset info - breech birth to 11 year old psychotic symptom manifestation onset to teen diagnosis...to middle age
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I want to utilise this blog to help manage this illness. And to remember things. Writing has always helped and ultimately, if I can help myself and such a thing is possible - be on the road to
fulfill a dream of helping other people with this painful disorder. Connecting with people in any way would be a good thing - I'm an isolator, a loner which is a double-edged sword.

Last night I went to sleep with an annoying song from a tv commercial in my head - something about money (surprise) - thinking *stop* (a new technique is to envision a stop sign to halt obsessive negative thinking - it's helping thank you therapist). This Valentine's snow day to two feet blizzard morning I wake up with this song in my head - specifically these lyrics on waking:

Follow the lines and wonder why
There's no connection.

I had no special fondness for or knowledge of this song although I like it, but haven't understood what the lyric words were, or who the artists were, only that the song had become familiar as of late. It is one of those songs like a memory, this one from the eighties.

Googled the lyrics and it's The Shins, 'Phantom Limb'.

These lyrics explain exactly what I have been feeling lately, having come down off a perennial manic episode, which in recent years I have identified as usually triggered in September and occuring through January.

Last winter I was spared a manic episode - a new job, new relationship, new martial art in spite of a bad foot and renewed hope. This winter an increasingly stressful job leading to chest pains (mild 'panic attack' symptoms), then a falling back into drinking. This year I'm convinced that alcohol is the main ingredient to trigger an eventual episode. 93 days sober, I hope for ever.

I've got to get stronger - wiser to stop the manic times. It always happens when I'm overly challenged at work (or school), because I need to think for that. I resist taking weekends out of my life to lobotomize on antipsychotics as the end of a mania historically brings on what seems like inevitable resulting depression. I get addicted to writing prolifically and needing less sleep - actually having some energy. I've learned to identify 'hallucinations' better, be more intrigued and less afraid. But sacrifices have to be made to stay 'well'.

The 'remedy' to mania, antipsychotics take days to recover from living in that sudden dead fog of brain inactivity, loss of creativity and total lack of energy ...I have a new antipsychotic
- Risperidal, which substituted three other meds, older antipsychotics like abilify and seroquel, xanax for anxiety or panic attacks and all three strengths of sleeping pills, chlorazepate, sonata and ambien. (that is over the years of managing different levels of symptoms - I mostly took as needed and resisted that as much as possible) I dread taking any new drug that first time - one never knows how it may affect and (one should have people around to help) if an immediate reaction should occur. On the list of posts in the right column here I will maintain a posting called 'Medications' where I will list all the medications I've tried and if they were effective or not. Medications work differently for everyone but maybe similarities can be drawn.

Think I'd like to learn more about this song I woke up with. The mind blower is waking up with that song while I turned on the radio at 5am it was on, synchronicity always piques my imagination ;)
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THE SHINS
"Phantom Limb"
Frozen into coats,
White girls of the North,
Fire past one, fire the one,
The are the fabled lambs,
A Sunday ham,
The ancient snow.

And they can float above the grass,
In circles if they tried,
A latent power I know they hide,
To keep some hope alive,
That a girl like I could ever try,
Could ever try
So we just skirt the hallway signs,
A phantom and a fly,
Follow the lines and wonder why
There's no connection.

And weakened falling eyes,
In cheap shots from the tribe,

And we're often in Marcus' porch again,
Another afternoon with the gold head tunes,
And pilfered booze.

We wandered through your mama's house,
And the milk from the window lights,
Family portrait circa ninety-five,
This is that foreign land,
With the sprayed on tans,
And it all feels fine,
Beat it circa slime,
So, when they tap our mundane heads,
To zombie-walk in our stead,
This town seems hardly worth our time,
And we'll no longer memorize or rhyme,
To fall along in our crime,
Stepping over what now towers to the sky,
With no connection.
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