The Ouroboros | gniaes`.`seaing...gnihtyreve ni slobmys.symbols in everything...

The Ouroboros | gniaes`.`seaing...gnihtyreve ni slobmys.symbols in everything...
Land is not responsible for "Hugh Manatee's" doings. ALL of us are responsible for our own environmental sustainablility

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Tyranny Rex

Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Tallullah Lay and her 5 chicks
Loathed school and avoided it at all cost, a venerate (compulsive) loner. At 27, finally saw the value of it in context to getting less mind-numbing (& theoretically more $$) employment, and went to University of Mass. I was too sick (bipolar from early childhood and a toxic upbringing) to follow through - the sleep deprivation with working and going to school I couldn't overcome and dropped out several times before I finally had to let it go. Just paid off all those broken degree school loans, at 53! I also went back to trade school in the 90', 00's, and finally got better employment (web design) but with this damned illness, no degree and serious social issues, fell out of the job market after the big crash '08. Holding down jobs had always been a struggle with the bipolar disorder, getting worse as I got older.

Ironically, losing everything, as agonizing as it was the best thing that happened to me. I was finally able to get off the dreadful Rx meds (had to anyway - lost the med. insurance) that make one so sick. 20 years they did their vile damage. Over the last several years, I got really sick, I mean a mother of a dreaded manic episode. My life flashed before me. My memory came back. Facing and surviving it was extremely painful but exactly what I needed. It had been all subverted to unconsciousness, having started from infancy. Manic episodes are always to be avoided, they always leave you with many train wrecks to recover from. Somehow I survived this latest bad one, damage sustained. Realized how toxic a family I have and protect myself from them now with sad but necessary estrangement.

I am extremely fortunate. J., my companion, has been my protective wing. He is extremely well-read and has genius level memory, mental abilities. (Self-taught, no silver spoon or even a drop of help from his parents.) He is an amazing man. He moved to the wild woods of Vermont, bought 10 rugged acres in the hills with a small ravine, and lived in a Teepee the first year. He's half Native. (Winters here can be deadly.) That he has done all this with no help (14 years) until I got here 4 years ago, with his bare hands is amazing to me. Sometimes we barely have two pennies to clink together, but he paid his mortgage off, and has only taxes and utilities to contend with. So smart to stay away from debt/employment slavery. Life is simpler here (in ways) like tending to firewood is almost a full time job. Not to gloss it over, it can be rough out in the woods. But the joys are immense. Nature. Chickens. And you can be who you really are.

Wish there were something to do to volunteer for the community.  Don't like driving, and don't like leaving home or James. Really wish there were something to do from home. Other than that, focusing on survival, firewood and staying warm is where it's at. 

Bipolar disorder is a devastating disease.  There should be g@* d*&n Rx that worked without devastating destruction of the body... 

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