∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃

∃volve is L♥ve, Sp∃lled Backwards ∃π~♬♪♥∞☮★☄|☄★☮∞♥♪♬~π∃
Can you see the ouroboros...?

Monday, January 27, 2014

Writer's Block & 4 Foods that can Fight Depression

in a perfect world...

Depression is the worst.  It's a killer.  I was lost.  Lost job, home, car, health and insurance, what little family, self-respect, independence...I'm So Sorry

Writers' Block: U No, I pulled down those years worth of the psychotic poetry, intending to edit and re-publish.  It was all up there, good, bad, ugly, a manic personal insomniac diary, unedited and disorganized, and thrown into the sky.  Because I grew to feel irresponsible, especially with the older depression/suicide poetry still out there.  (Yes, and psychiatric meds often have increased suicidal thoughts as a side effect.)  And my life had been pretty f**cked up.  Much of the writing was very childlike and naïve, all of it rushed through.  I had to make sure it was respectful.

The Real World?  That writing saved my life.  I O U.

Some of the writing is good, and brought me a quiet secret (and not) joy.  But it originated through being terribly lonely and alone in the 'real world', and surrendering to stay so for the duration.  (Pretty hopeless at making friends, too.)  And so I turned to music, in love with music, through strong creative imagination.  I made (intangible) 'friends.' It saved my life, and was powerfully beautiful.

Now I am totally stuck with a big ugly unpublished web, trying to edit totally disorganized psychotic writing and being embarrassed of a lot of it's parts.  I'm working on it but it has been painfully slow.

I am saved.  I escaped homelessness.  I am still alive.  Grateful 2 B.

But I am lost to write new material.  When I am inspired is mainly during the dreaded insomnia: I now have to be respectful, suffer quietly squelching inspiration to get back to sleep or the cat and 5 dogs wake up the good man who took me under his wing.  I have survived.  I am struggling.

Toxic Load

I believe...Autism is caused by chemical/toxin, radiation, chemtrail, pesticide and electro magnetic poisoning.  Environmental degradation.  Corporate corruption.  'The toxic load.'  Neurological damage.  U.N. Directive Agenda 21.

Looking back on a half-century + of life, I think I developed mild autism.  Living in the Marshall Islands for 2 years in the early 60s must have caused some radiation exposure.  My father's work was toxic: secret military crap.  Even as a 3 year old kid I knew I hated myself but didn't know why.  (So add a psychically/spiritually toxic upbringing, etc.)  We moved around a lot over the world by the time we settled back in the States in the late 60s.

Vaccine Poisoning: When I left marriage 1 in '91 and lost all my belongings, U/Mass (Boston) made me take all my vaccines over again as my records were lost.  I got blasted with so much mercury and other toxins, never mind the diseases associated, was sick for weeks, and the neurological damage can't be calculated. 

The (agonizing) social anxiety has both gotten better in ways (understanding) and worse in others (developmentally).  But being bipolar has always been the focus when I got medical 'help'.  And this 'help' involved becoming more and more toxified with Rx medications.  I didn't know what else to do.  My goal was to get training and a decent job (try/fail/try again/fail/etc...).  Even struggling with the compulsion to protect others from my behavior and anxiety, and myself from further pain.

Humans are social creatures.  The isolation vicious cycle I've lived stuck in is self-imposed, but not voluntary.  Isolation is an extremely painful compulsion, that over time basically becomes its own dis-ease. 

The meds effectively made me forget.  Memory: gone.  It's not like I wasn't told this was the truth about meds back in the 80s by a good therapist.  Rx meds are not the answer. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014